finding space to be me

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I’ve been thinking a lot about community and what that looks like for someone like me who seldom feels at home in groups of people.  For a time in my life, I found community in various fandoms, but as time progressed, they became contentious and clicky and I backed away.

For a time, I found community in the Pagan community, which here in the SF Bay area is vibrant and diverse and can be amazing.  However, here too there is division and in-fighting, and I’ve backed off in recent years.

My current attempt at giving to community is within the LGBTQA+ space, but I find myself limiting my interaction to what I do for the Pride organization, and I don’t go out seeking friends within the community, and I don’t really engage in any events or discussions.  I guess, in a way, I give community, but don’t receive it in return.

Even among fellow authors and editors, I tend to feel unseen, unnoticed, and markedly of different opinions than many, so I feel as though here too is a community that I belong in, but do not belong to.

Mostly, I’m okay with that.  I’m better on my own in most things.  I have a number of very good friends that I can spend time with and not feel as though I’ve burned my candle down to nothing, not feel as though I give and give and get nothing in return.

Having just spent two weeks with one such friend, my socialization/support needs are well met and community feels more like work than it is worth.  I have a cautious toe dipping back into fandom having found a Star Wars fandom group for geeky women and I see the enthusiasm and love others have, and I miss sharing that.  I’ve kept my geeky joy for just my friends who share it for a long time.

Not sure yet how deep I’ll wade into it again, for now it’s mostly toe dipping, but my recent trip to Disney and Galaxy’s Edge has reignited my love of all things Star Wars, so we’ll see.

In the meantime, I have a day job to get busy on, and so much to do!  I wish you good coffee and random acts of kindness today, Readers!

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