Tag: LGBTQ+

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are we there yet?

June is Pride month. This will be my third year not participating in SF Pride, the first two because of the pandemic, and this year because I wasn’t invited back…and moved out of the bay area. There’s a part of me that misses it, but the agoraphobe in me does not.

I once thought we were making so much progress in the area of equal rights, but the last few years have proven me wrong. We’re sliding inexorably backward. Our rights are under constant attack. Our young people feel threatened. Hate crime continues to be a problem, and in some areas, it is a worsening problem.

People are still being killed just because of what is or is not in their pants or how they dress/present themselves to the world.

People ask why we still need Pride.

Well, we need Pride for the 8-year-old who knows she’s a girl but was born with a penis whose parents will not acknowledge her gender. We need pride for the gay teenager who really wants to take his boyfriend to prom but is afraid they will get beaten up. We need Pride for the shy lesbian teens on their first date who are afraid to hold hands. We need Pride for the teacher who won’t put a picture on her desk of her family, because she might lose her job if people knew that her spouse was a wife and not a husband.

Have we come a long way since the fifties? Sure, but our progress has not just stalled, it has started to slide backward in a lot of ways and there is still such a long, long way to go.

We are not done. The fight is not over. Stay strong, my friends, and battle on.

Happy Monday, and Happy Pride, Readers. May this week bring you a multitude of blessings.

Photo by Jiroe (Matia Rengel) on Unsplash

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the Harry Potter problem

I have a troubled relationship with Harry Potter. On the one hand, I love the magical world and all of the people who occupy it. On the other hand, there’s the world’s creator, who has shown herself to be…well, a terrible person.

Yesterday, I watched the reunion special on HBO Max, because despite that woman and her TERF views, the movies have been a big source of comfort in my life. I watch them when I need something familiar and yet not real, I can immerse myself in that world and forget the real world exists.

However, I am very aware of her problematic, and vocal, opposition to the notion that transwomen are women. As a part of the LGBTQA+ community, and as someone with transgender family and friends, I simply can’t abide those who would punch down at an already marginalized group of people.

I will never understand how having a penis or not having a penis matters to anyone other than the owner of said penis.

Oh, my, I think I’m getting derailed. Back to Harry Potter…

For the most part, the reunion was a lovely trip back in time, and we get to watch those kids grow up and become amazing actors. I’ll admit to crying when they memorialized those who had died since they were at Hogwarts…to be fair, I was pretty weepy anyway for some reason. Watching them talk about what the movies meant to them, how they became the characters, and what they took away from the experience was moving.

And then there were those clips of her. I mean, sure, she created this world for us to enjoy, but I think I’ve come to a place where the books belong to her, but the movies have a life outside of her, so it felt odd to have her there, even if the clips were from 2019.

I refuse to give up the movies because of her, much as I refuse to give up Buffy because Joss turned out to be an asshole. She can have the books. However, I will not spend another penny on merchandise that will continue to fill her pockets.

Fancy a trip to Hogwarts, Readers? I think I do. It’s a cold day here, perfect for cuddling kitties, drinking tea, and curling up under the electric blanket with some magic on the television. It’s the last day of vacation as well, so I aim to relax. Tomorrow it’s back to work.

Photo by Artem Maltsev on Unsplash

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national coming out day

Today is October eleventh and has been designated National Coming Out Day, a day to celebrate the diversity of life and the idea that we are all welcome in the world.

Of course, there are still many, many places in the world, and even here in the good ole USofA, where being open about who and how you love is not a safe thing to do. Far too many.

I have a lot of friends in the LGBTQ+ community who have been bullied, thrown out of their homes, lost their children in custody battles, or worse. We need only look at the numbers of transgender murder victims to know that it isn’t always safe.

I have been noticing just recently how many of the TV shows I watch have incorporated LGBTQ+ characters as “normal” characters. They’re not there to be the victim or the perpetrator, they are actual integral parts of the story. Notable for me of late are Leverage Redemption, who has a young lesbian of color and also has several story lines with gay people involved, Law and Order SVU, who had a young detective who was a lesbian and Law and Order Organized Crime, which has a police sergeant who is a married lesbian.

This is our way forward. We need to be seen as a part of the whole. We need to be visible in ways that extend beyond pride parades.

One day, I hope we no longer need a National Coming Out Day. I hope that we can just be who we are without needing to justify ourselves or protect ourselves from those that would deny us our rights.

In the meantime, I’m Natalie and I am bi/pansexual (I haven’t decided between the terms, but lean toward pan).

And you are loved.

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

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do we still need pride in 2021

In any “normal” year, I would already be hard at work on the site of the SF Pride celebration, working with my team to deploy donation buckets out to the groups that man our gates to collect money from Pride goers.

That money goes into helping to keep Pride running, as well as giving grants to the non-profit organizations who send us their volunteers to do the job. It’s a job I’ve been doing in one capacity or another for the last…I don’t know anymore? Fifteen years?

You might think that it’s an odd job choice for someone with agoraphobia, and you’d be correct. It is. However, I learned early on in my battle against the irrational fear that having a job to do, having people who count on me to do that job, goes a long way in pushing the fear back.

When I first started working Pride with the Pagan Alliance all those years ago, I started off volunteering to supervise PA volunteers, but the Pride Donations department was just starting up a program to have coordinators who worked behind the scenes and I tossed my hat into the ring. Since then, I’ve been part of the team that did the work.

It provides me with a safe space when the crowds are overwhelming, and a task that needs doing to allow me the push I need to conquer the fear…or at least keep it at bay. It helps that it also includes a golf cart for part of the day, which affords me a little bubble of space around me.

All of that said, this is our second year without the event due to this damn pandemic. It just isn’t safe to cram that many people into that space, even now…even here in California where our numbers are way down.

I’ve heard a lot lately about why we still need Pride. We need Pride so that our community knows that we have their back. We need Pride because our transgender siblings are still being murdered at an alarming rate. We need Pride because our people are still facing discrimination in jobs, housing and even just in shopping. We need Pride because we need to lift each other up and help each other along.

In recent years we’ve started to realize just how many LGBTQA+ folks exist in this world, and it’s a lot more than we used to believe. I have a large number of non-binary and ace friends and family that ten years ago would not have felt safe to be who they are in the open…or even realized that there was a name for what they were feeling. I have transgender friends and family that have “come out” in the last five years, who are finally starting to feel that there is a place in this world where they don’t have to pretend.

So when will it be enough to not need a big gay celebration and parade? Never. It will never be “enough”. We should always celebrate who we are.

May this Pride weekend be filled with love and appreciation for who you are, Reader. May you feel safe to live your truth out and proud. May you make space for others to do the same. I love you all!

Photo by Steve Johnson on Unsplash

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I see you

Today is Transgender Visibility Day. For those who are not surrounded by the diversity of humanity, this may seem trivial. Some may even be offended by the recognition given to those that they consider wrong or broken or defective.

The truth is, someone you know is likely either hiding who they are or “passing” and you don’t have a clue. How do I know this? Well, because as we move closer to acceptance of people as they are, and safety in numbers begins to make folks feel safer, more and more are feeling comfortable enough to say that they are trans or non-binary.

In the last year alone I have had at least five people that I know say that they were non-binary and more than a few who came out as transgender.

Still, there continue to be an inordinate amount of violent deaths involving transgender people. According to the Human Rights Campaign, at least 12 transgender people have been killed in 2021.

I have family who is transgendered and non-binary. I have close friends I consider family who are transgender and non-binary. I encounter people daily who are one or the other. Well, not so much right now seeing as I’m not leaving my house daily.

So, what do you need to know about these folks?

  1. They’re just people. They aren’t sick. They aren’t deranged. Just folks going through life the best they can.
  2. It’s none of your business what is or isn’t between their legs. Even if you’re sharing a bathroom with them.
  3. They don’t have to “pass” for their identity to be valid. A non-binary person does not owe you androgyny. A transwoman does not owe you perfect beauty (whatever that is). A transman does not owe you top surgery or binding of his breasts.
  4. When in doubt about someone’s identity, use they/them pronouns. It’s a perfectly acceptable non-gendered way of speaking about someone. Yes, even a singular person. We’ve been using a singular they in English for centuries in certain contexts.
  5. Just be kind. Let them be who they are. Don’t try to force them into some pre-conceived notion of who you think they should be. Let them pee in peace. Let them play sports.

To all of you who identify somewhere on the gender spectrum that is not either of the cardinal points: I see you. I love you. You are safe with me.

And now I’m off to the day job…right after I finish my coffee. Love to you, Readers!

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the problem with heroes

More and more, I’ve been challenged by those I once admired, the people I found talented and intelligent and provided me with entertainment. I don’t need everyone to agree with my personal opinions, but when their “opinions” prove to be problematic…when they are not so much about what they believe, but about human beings, about treating people like human beings, when their behavior shows me that they are not good people, it throws me into a whirlwind of emotions.

I always have trouble separating the hateful ways they speak and behave from their characters or their creations. For some actors I have completely written them off and I can’t watch anything of theirs. Kevin Spacey and Adam Baldwin are two that come to mind.

Recently we’ve learned things about others that have me in the same mind-frame. Gina Carano falls into this category for me. J.K. Rowling is another. And most recently, Joss Whedon. These last two were harder hitting for me, because they are not actors. They are not people who I can just say, they suck and I won’t watch their work anymore.

Why?

Because both have created worlds that stand without them now. Worlds that live inside me, if you know what I mean. While I was older than the target audience for Buffy, there was something about it that spoke to a deep need inside of me. It went beyond “girl power” or the teenage angst. It had to do with the personal relationships, the characters who were more than just caricatures of high school kids and the relationships built on shared experience.

There was something about watching the “kids” grow up, seeing friendships grow and change that felt real to me. To this day, I re-watch the entire show every few years.

To find out now about the way Joss treated women, despite his public stance about writing strong women, is heartbreaking. The same kind of heartbreak that came when Rowling started being anti-trans.

I could let that heartbreak tarnish the things they created, the things that comfort me and bring me joy. Or I can divorce them from those things. I can relegate them to the side of things where I no longer spend money on what they create, where I no longer interact with anything new they create, where I do my part to ensure that the people who might pay them for things know that their audience is reduced due to their behavior.

But what I won’t do? I won’t let them steal the things that Buffy or Harry Potter mean to me. They live on beyond the bad actions of those who created them. The characters, and the actors who embody them, live outside of that world now.

The problem with heroes is that all too often we forget that, like us, they are human beings. Fallible. Filled with contradictions. Capable of good and bad. And just because they do something that we like doesn’t mean that they are perfect or worthy of adulation.

It isn’t cancel culture to hold people accountable for the things that they do and the things that they say. In fact, I think that what it is, is a sign that society is maturing to a degree. We’ve learned. We’re changing for the better (I hope)…and that growth is not going to be easy, and we will have to keep fighting and keep the growth safe against the backlash of the dying society we want to leave behind and their death-flails.

We need to come to a place of true equality, and equity for all, without regard to their gender, their physical sex, their skin color, their religion or their sexuality. Part of getting there is necessarily letting those who won’t join the journey fall to the wayside.

Love what you love, Readers, and keep growing past those who hate and mistreat others.

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#vote

Tomorrow is the big day. Election day. We’ve seen record breaking turn outs to early voting and absentee/mail in voting, but that is no reason to get complacent. It is our duty, as American citizens, and in a time like ours not one of us can take that duty lightly.

This election cycle is more make or break than any I can remember. In the last four years our country has become more divided, more broken than I have ever seen. We are divided racially, ethnically, politically, religously and by hatred. In many cases it is a hatred that has been foisted upon us, or drug out of our inner psyche to be put on display.

Somehow, we’ve given permission to our baser selves to be brazenly angry about differences, about changes and about something as simple a concept as equality. We seem to find it easier to demonize those we see as enemies, call them names and deny them basic human dignity.

But we shouldn’t make ourselves feel better about ourselves at the expense of others. We don’t need to deny other people rights to keep those rights for ourselves. As someone once said, it isn’t pie.

I’ve seen more racism, ageism, ableism, sexism and hate of the LGBTQ+ community in the last four years than I can actually believe existed four years ago. Hate is contagious, and it is spreading faster than the coronavirus.

But tomorrow we have the ability to stand up and make it known that hate has no home here. It might be our last chance.

I won’t elaborate on all the various ways the person who is supposed to be leading us has instead worked to destroy us, there are plenty of other people doing that. Instead, my focus is on healing us, as a country. Our first step is to vote out those who foster and stoke the fires of hate, who pit us against each other so we won’t notice that they are robbing us blind.

Vote as if your life depended on it, because it might. Vote as if your BIPOC neighbors lives depend on it, because they do. Vote as if your gay brother’s marriage is on the line, because it is. Vote, not with the hate they want you to feel, but with the love you have for your family and your country.

If you haven’t already cast your vote, I hope you have a plan to get to the polls tomorrow. I hope you make it a priority in your day.

Above all, I wish you kindness and joy, Readers. Kindness and joy.

Cover Photo by Glen Carrie on Unsplash

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to all the dads out there

A lot of people have complicated relationships with their fathers, and I think current political and health matters probably don’t really help in that arena.

I have LGBTQ+ friends whose fathers have thrown them away, disowned them, told them to never come back. I have friends who had abusive fathers, drug addict fathers, fathers who were too young and too afraid to stick around. I know people who never knew their fathers, and never had a male father figure step into their lives to fill the void.

But I also have friends who had amazing dads or stepdads or granddads who did what dads are supposed to do, who loved those kids and helped them grow up in a world designed to tear them down. Those who taught them how to ride a bike, bait a hook, stand up for themselves and for others. Those that knew the world outside of childhood could be could and cruel, and helped prepare them to thrive anyway.

I was fortunate, even if my relationship with my father has occasionally been rocky due to so many reasons that are rooted in who I was in my puberty years (think far-right, evangelical Christian) and who he was (as in, not that), that my dad was there for me. We don’t always agree, even now that I’ve gone the far right of him to the far left of him, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loves me for who I am.

My Dad and Me

And I had a pretty cool stepfather too. Bob and I didn’t always see eye to eye either, but he was always there to lend a hand when I needed it and he loved us even if he never said those words.

I hope that all of you who fill those roles, whether you’re blood or not, take a little time today to give yourself a moment to know you are awesome. And if you are someone looking for how to help the next generation, whether you are cis-male, trans-male or nonbinary, consider finding that one on one relationship with a kid who needs it, and yeah, I don’t just mean the under 18 crowd. There are tons of folks in their 20s who could really use a father figure to help them find their way into what being an adult really means.

Even if you’re one of those guys who never really had an old man, maybe especially if you’re one of those guys, be the father-figure you wanted in your life.

So Happy Father’s Day to all the Dads and Dad-adjacent folks out there. Being that it is Sunday and my job #2 has no work for me to be doing today, I get to write for a while before I get on with the housework that needs doing. I’m off to do that…and drink more coffee.

Cover Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

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it’s the end of the world as we know it

Any normal June 1st would see me waist deep in preparation for San Francisco’s Pride Festival and Parade, which usually happens near the end of June. I’d be planning training sessions for my volunteer groups and their supervisors. I’d be fielding phone calls from first time volunteers over the phone, holding skype calls to help someone get up to speed. I’d be pouring over spreadsheets, making sure each entry gate had enough people manning the donation buckets.

This year, in a time of a pandemic, we had already canceled the parade and festival before the current escalation of the end of the world, but I can only imagine that if we hadn’t, we’d be seriously considering it now.

Why? Well, because drunk, stupid people are hard enough to contain when they don’t have an instigator driving them to bad behavior. Because we’ve seen so many clashes of community and police (though I have never personally seen police acting inappropriately at the festival itself, that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t happen) and because right now emotions are very high and the world seems to be standing at the tipping edge of something huge.

SF Pride sometimes has 1 million people over the course of the weekend. Those people come in every ethnicity, every nationality, every color, every orientation and every gender. Outside the gates there are protesters trying to tell us our “lifestyle” is wrong, or sometimes other messages that often get lost in the clamor of that many people. There are criminals looking to score drugs or to bloody someone for fun. There have been shootings and stabbings. There have been gay bashings.

Lay that on top of the racial tensions and the fear and the anger, and you’d have a recipe for one giant powder keg, just waiting for a spark to set it alight.

So here I sit at the beginning of Pride month, a little numb and staring into the heart of a country that no longer feels like home, and I hide in my house, watching the chaos around me unfold. My agoraphobia makes it nearly impossible to join a peaceful protest. We will see a spike in virus numbers. This might devolve into a civil war, or at least that’s the way it feels.

Maybe it is the end of the world as we know it. I’m not convinced that is a bad thing. It’s up to us, every individual to decide how we rise from the ashes.

Please stay safe out there, Readers. Support your brothers and sisters as they cry out in rage for change, for equality, for an end to the violence of poverty, discrimination and straight out hate.

None of us are equal until we are all equal.

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boys and girls, women and men

I’ve been thinking a lot about my language around gender, and how much of those ingrained throw away phrases are dependent on a very binary, very uneven understanding of what gender is.

We could start with the idea that seems to permeate at least American culture that you can use the words “girl” and “woman” almost synonymously, but try that with “boy” and “man” and at the very least you’ll get shouted at (unless it’s a playful “one of the boys” type thing), because the somehow that’s insulting.  Of course, more and more women are correcting people when they say “girl” and aren’t speaking about someone under eighteen.  Of course, it works the other way too, especially when we’re implying that the person is complicit in some illegal or unsavory situation, like when reporting on sexual assaults, a girl of sixteen will be called a woman because that way the crime is less heinous (insert Law & Order SVU opening monologue here).

Even in my own self speak I find myself calling myself “girl” especially when I’m talking negatively about myself.  I’m fifty-one years old, I left girldom behind a fair few years ago.  I don’t let anyone else call me girl, but I do it to myself all the time.

Being a part of the LGBTQ+ community, and having a niece who is transgender, I find myself becoming more and more aware of this language we have as a set default, this binary man & woman thing that is so much a part of how we talk, how we think that it’s in our idioms, in our daily language with each other.  We throw the words around without thinking about what we are saying.

Just yesterday on Facebook, I posted some…let’s call them reminders about who I am and what I believe, and one of the points was in reference to pregnancy and abortion.  A friend called me out on my gendered language, because, as they pointed out, transmen and non-binary folks can get pregnant as well as cis women.  But in the moment of writing most passionately about abortion being a health decision made by the pregnant person and their doctor, I let that old programming flow.

I know a lot of people have trouble with pronouns and gender now that those among us who are transgender or non-binary no longer feel the need to hide themselves inside the cis paradigm, and even someone like me, who fully supports an expansive idea of what gender is, can get it wrong like I did yesterday.

That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t keep trying though, and keep working at the de-internalization of those ideas, keep correcting yourself when you slip up, and take the correction from others when it comes.

Respect is Kindness, and Kindness Matters.

That ended up being a bit deeper than I first expected, but it is an important conversation to have.  Happy Saturday, Readers!  I am off to write and drink more coffee!

 

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash