Tag: transgender

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the Harry Potter problem

I have a troubled relationship with Harry Potter. On the one hand, I love the magical world and all of the people who occupy it. On the other hand, there’s the world’s creator, who has shown herself to be…well, a terrible person.

Yesterday, I watched the reunion special on HBO Max, because despite that woman and her TERF views, the movies have been a big source of comfort in my life. I watch them when I need something familiar and yet not real, I can immerse myself in that world and forget the real world exists.

However, I am very aware of her problematic, and vocal, opposition to the notion that transwomen are women. As a part of the LGBTQA+ community, and as someone with transgender family and friends, I simply can’t abide those who would punch down at an already marginalized group of people.

I will never understand how having a penis or not having a penis matters to anyone other than the owner of said penis.

Oh, my, I think I’m getting derailed. Back to Harry Potter…

For the most part, the reunion was a lovely trip back in time, and we get to watch those kids grow up and become amazing actors. I’ll admit to crying when they memorialized those who had died since they were at Hogwarts…to be fair, I was pretty weepy anyway for some reason. Watching them talk about what the movies meant to them, how they became the characters, and what they took away from the experience was moving.

And then there were those clips of her. I mean, sure, she created this world for us to enjoy, but I think I’ve come to a place where the books belong to her, but the movies have a life outside of her, so it felt odd to have her there, even if the clips were from 2019.

I refuse to give up the movies because of her, much as I refuse to give up Buffy because Joss turned out to be an asshole. She can have the books. However, I will not spend another penny on merchandise that will continue to fill her pockets.

Fancy a trip to Hogwarts, Readers? I think I do. It’s a cold day here, perfect for cuddling kitties, drinking tea, and curling up under the electric blanket with some magic on the television. It’s the last day of vacation as well, so I aim to relax. Tomorrow it’s back to work.

Photo by Artem Maltsev on Unsplash

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national coming out day

Today is October eleventh and has been designated National Coming Out Day, a day to celebrate the diversity of life and the idea that we are all welcome in the world.

Of course, there are still many, many places in the world, and even here in the good ole USofA, where being open about who and how you love is not a safe thing to do. Far too many.

I have a lot of friends in the LGBTQ+ community who have been bullied, thrown out of their homes, lost their children in custody battles, or worse. We need only look at the numbers of transgender murder victims to know that it isn’t always safe.

I have been noticing just recently how many of the TV shows I watch have incorporated LGBTQ+ characters as “normal” characters. They’re not there to be the victim or the perpetrator, they are actual integral parts of the story. Notable for me of late are Leverage Redemption, who has a young lesbian of color and also has several story lines with gay people involved, Law and Order SVU, who had a young detective who was a lesbian and Law and Order Organized Crime, which has a police sergeant who is a married lesbian.

This is our way forward. We need to be seen as a part of the whole. We need to be visible in ways that extend beyond pride parades.

One day, I hope we no longer need a National Coming Out Day. I hope that we can just be who we are without needing to justify ourselves or protect ourselves from those that would deny us our rights.

In the meantime, I’m Natalie and I am bi/pansexual (I haven’t decided between the terms, but lean toward pan).

And you are loved.

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

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I see you

Today is Transgender Visibility Day. For those who are not surrounded by the diversity of humanity, this may seem trivial. Some may even be offended by the recognition given to those that they consider wrong or broken or defective.

The truth is, someone you know is likely either hiding who they are or “passing” and you don’t have a clue. How do I know this? Well, because as we move closer to acceptance of people as they are, and safety in numbers begins to make folks feel safer, more and more are feeling comfortable enough to say that they are trans or non-binary.

In the last year alone I have had at least five people that I know say that they were non-binary and more than a few who came out as transgender.

Still, there continue to be an inordinate amount of violent deaths involving transgender people. According to the Human Rights Campaign, at least 12 transgender people have been killed in 2021.

I have family who is transgendered and non-binary. I have close friends I consider family who are transgender and non-binary. I encounter people daily who are one or the other. Well, not so much right now seeing as I’m not leaving my house daily.

So, what do you need to know about these folks?

  1. They’re just people. They aren’t sick. They aren’t deranged. Just folks going through life the best they can.
  2. It’s none of your business what is or isn’t between their legs. Even if you’re sharing a bathroom with them.
  3. They don’t have to “pass” for their identity to be valid. A non-binary person does not owe you androgyny. A transwoman does not owe you perfect beauty (whatever that is). A transman does not owe you top surgery or binding of his breasts.
  4. When in doubt about someone’s identity, use they/them pronouns. It’s a perfectly acceptable non-gendered way of speaking about someone. Yes, even a singular person. We’ve been using a singular they in English for centuries in certain contexts.
  5. Just be kind. Let them be who they are. Don’t try to force them into some pre-conceived notion of who you think they should be. Let them pee in peace. Let them play sports.

To all of you who identify somewhere on the gender spectrum that is not either of the cardinal points: I see you. I love you. You are safe with me.

And now I’m off to the day job…right after I finish my coffee. Love to you, Readers!

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to all the dads out there

A lot of people have complicated relationships with their fathers, and I think current political and health matters probably don’t really help in that arena.

I have LGBTQ+ friends whose fathers have thrown them away, disowned them, told them to never come back. I have friends who had abusive fathers, drug addict fathers, fathers who were too young and too afraid to stick around. I know people who never knew their fathers, and never had a male father figure step into their lives to fill the void.

But I also have friends who had amazing dads or stepdads or granddads who did what dads are supposed to do, who loved those kids and helped them grow up in a world designed to tear them down. Those who taught them how to ride a bike, bait a hook, stand up for themselves and for others. Those that knew the world outside of childhood could be could and cruel, and helped prepare them to thrive anyway.

I was fortunate, even if my relationship with my father has occasionally been rocky due to so many reasons that are rooted in who I was in my puberty years (think far-right, evangelical Christian) and who he was (as in, not that), that my dad was there for me. We don’t always agree, even now that I’ve gone the far right of him to the far left of him, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loves me for who I am.

My Dad and Me

And I had a pretty cool stepfather too. Bob and I didn’t always see eye to eye either, but he was always there to lend a hand when I needed it and he loved us even if he never said those words.

I hope that all of you who fill those roles, whether you’re blood or not, take a little time today to give yourself a moment to know you are awesome. And if you are someone looking for how to help the next generation, whether you are cis-male, trans-male or nonbinary, consider finding that one on one relationship with a kid who needs it, and yeah, I don’t just mean the under 18 crowd. There are tons of folks in their 20s who could really use a father figure to help them find their way into what being an adult really means.

Even if you’re one of those guys who never really had an old man, maybe especially if you’re one of those guys, be the father-figure you wanted in your life.

So Happy Father’s Day to all the Dads and Dad-adjacent folks out there. Being that it is Sunday and my job #2 has no work for me to be doing today, I get to write for a while before I get on with the housework that needs doing. I’m off to do that…and drink more coffee.

Cover Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

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boys and girls, women and men

I’ve been thinking a lot about my language around gender, and how much of those ingrained throw away phrases are dependent on a very binary, very uneven understanding of what gender is.

We could start with the idea that seems to permeate at least American culture that you can use the words “girl” and “woman” almost synonymously, but try that with “boy” and “man” and at the very least you’ll get shouted at (unless it’s a playful “one of the boys” type thing), because the somehow that’s insulting.  Of course, more and more women are correcting people when they say “girl” and aren’t speaking about someone under eighteen.  Of course, it works the other way too, especially when we’re implying that the person is complicit in some illegal or unsavory situation, like when reporting on sexual assaults, a girl of sixteen will be called a woman because that way the crime is less heinous (insert Law & Order SVU opening monologue here).

Even in my own self speak I find myself calling myself “girl” especially when I’m talking negatively about myself.  I’m fifty-one years old, I left girldom behind a fair few years ago.  I don’t let anyone else call me girl, but I do it to myself all the time.

Being a part of the LGBTQ+ community, and having a niece who is transgender, I find myself becoming more and more aware of this language we have as a set default, this binary man & woman thing that is so much a part of how we talk, how we think that it’s in our idioms, in our daily language with each other.  We throw the words around without thinking about what we are saying.

Just yesterday on Facebook, I posted some…let’s call them reminders about who I am and what I believe, and one of the points was in reference to pregnancy and abortion.  A friend called me out on my gendered language, because, as they pointed out, transmen and non-binary folks can get pregnant as well as cis women.  But in the moment of writing most passionately about abortion being a health decision made by the pregnant person and their doctor, I let that old programming flow.

I know a lot of people have trouble with pronouns and gender now that those among us who are transgender or non-binary no longer feel the need to hide themselves inside the cis paradigm, and even someone like me, who fully supports an expansive idea of what gender is, can get it wrong like I did yesterday.

That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t keep trying though, and keep working at the de-internalization of those ideas, keep correcting yourself when you slip up, and take the correction from others when it comes.

Respect is Kindness, and Kindness Matters.

That ended up being a bit deeper than I first expected, but it is an important conversation to have.  Happy Saturday, Readers!  I am off to write and drink more coffee!

 

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash