Tag: agoraphobia

Posted on by — Leave a comment

let us chill

This is the first of two short weeks for me on the day job. This week, I’m driving up to the Oregon coast to hang out with friends I haven’t seen in 3 years or more. I anticipate a lot of talking, a lot of laughing and a lot of relaxing.

I’m only taking my tablet for keeping up with the world outside, mostly because I’m awaiting some edits from an editor that I’d like to see as soon as they come in. I’m likely bringing a book or two since I’m an early riser and a nice quiet cup of coffee with a book is appealing to me.

The following weekend will not be as quiet or relaxing, as I head to Anaheim for Star Wars Celebration. I am absolutely terrified for multiple reasons, not the least of which is my agoraphobia. I’ve never attempted such a big convention before. I’m going with my brother and his oldest kid (who is not a kid anymore) so I have assistance and also care taking to do (as kid also has crowd issues) which helps me cope. Then there’s the whole pandemic thing. I haven’t been in a crowd more than five people since this whole thing started.

There’s going to be thousands.

We also have Disney After Dark tickets for that Friday night and tickets to see a friend at a music venue in Hollywood that Saturday night, so…it’s going to be a long, stressful, but awesome weekend. There is a lot I’m looking forward to! And costumes! I do love getting to dress up!

Needless to say, these activities will cut into some of the stuff I do on the regular, like posting my Word of the Day and other such fun, but I’m sure I’ll come home with tales to tell.

I hope the weekend has treated you with kindness, Readers! I’m off to finish my coffee and start my packing.

Posted on by — Leave a comment

there’s no place like home

As an agoraphobe and an introvert, my home is my safe space. These past two years, I have not suffered with loneliness or gone stir crazy from being at home. I have a job I can do from my home. My outings have been a once-a-week trip to the grocery store and once vaccinations came around, the occasional trip to see family.

However, what I have missed is travel.

It might seem paradoxical that an introverted agoraphobe loves to travel, but I do. Road trips with friends to see live music. Long vacations in places I’ve never been. Leisurely sunsets on sandy beaches, watching the sun rise as I sip my coffee in the woods, or on a lake.

My travel has been minimal. I went to Austin in August of this year, and that’s about it. And, with the area in the red zone for COVID that trip had its anxiety.

And to be fair, I wouldn’t be comfortable in a crowded bar or theater for music, nor sitting in a plane for 10 hours to go overseas. A cabin in the woods might be nice. Maybe I’ll look into a cabin in Tahoe in the new year. I can make it a writing vacation…take a week off work, nestle in to a cozy cabin and write.

But first, I’m on the hunt for a new home to make my safe space. This one is starting to feel unwelcoming, for a number of reasons. Later today I’m looking at a place not far from where my family lives in Stockton, CA. If it works out, I’ll be moving in January. I kind of like the idea of starting something new at the start of the year.

It just feels right.

What are your hopes for the coming new year, Readers?

Photo by Eva Darron on Unsplash

Posted on by — Leave a comment

how an introverted agoraphobe travels

I am nearly completely packed up for my weekend trip to Denver, just need to stick my journal and a pen in the backpack, and double check my electronics. I’ve checked into the hotel. I will be checking into my flight in about 20 minutes. I have a full work day ahead of me.

This is probably the least anxious moment in my travel. Until I achieve all of the check-ins, I’m a ball of anxiety fretting about what will go wrong. But, now is the calm of knowing I have the plans in place, and with that, knowing I can go with the flow.

Tomorrow will kickstart the actual travel anxiety: What if I don’t get to the airport on time? What if I miss my train? Miss my flight? What if the plane has a problem? What if there are anti-maskers on the plane? What if someone with COVID coughs in my face? What if…etc. Oh, and my brain can manufacture the most outrageous scenarios to worry over. It’s kind of ridiculous, really.

Then, once in Denver, there’s the “What if I can’t find my friends in the airport?” and “What if we can’t find the hotel?” (which is silly because GPS and we’ve been there before), etc.

But! Once we’ve gotten to the hotel, gotten into our room and found the conference registration? Then it’s a weekend of mostly relaxation. Sure, there will be moments of panic/fear/needing to hide. There always is. And when I come home on Sunday, there will be a few days of hiding and recharging.

I control what I can so that I can let go of what is outside my control. My flight, my car, my hotel.

Oh, and double checking that the Death Wish Instant coffee is in my suitcase. I do need my coffee, you know.

I should get to that day job thing. And maybe second coffee.

Photo by Suhyeon Choi on Unsplash

Posted on by — Leave a comment

travel in the time of COVID

One week from today, I will be in Denver, CO for a convention unlike most others I have ever attended. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t anxious about the travel and the collection of people in small rooms. Sure, I’ll double mask on the plane and the con has good COVID practices in place (everyone must be vaxxed and have a negative COVID test for starters), but my only experience with “crowds” was in August this year, and there were only twelve of us.

I considered not going. Several times. However, Sirens is a place that feeds my soul, and if I’m honest, my soul has been sorely in need of feeding.

Sirens is a place where we get to explore the world of speculative fiction (sci-fi, horror, fantasy, etc) through the lens of voices that are not considered “traditional” in that space. By which, I mean: women, BIPOC, LGBTQ+, etc. (Reminder that this year’s anthology, “Villains and Vengeance” is available now!)

It’s part reader’s conference, part writer’s retreat and part networking weekend. This will be my third time at Sirens.

Of course my COVID anxiety is only just part of my anxiety, because there is also the uncertainty of travel, particularly since I am flying Southwest, and my agoraphobia, which has only gotten worse since the start of COVID. I have the advantage of a) flying an airline I know well, out of airports I know well; b) the con hotel is also familiar; c) FRIENDS.

I think having friends who know/understand my *stuff* is my biggest coping mechanism. It provides a safe space when there is no safe space. I anticipate a need for a lot of hermiting time when I get back.

For now, though, Readers, I have a few hours before I have to start the day job and my coffee is fresh and hot. I think that means it’s time to write. Happy Friday!

Photo by Eva Darron on Unsplash

Posted on by — Leave a comment

planting bulbs of growth

With the approach of Samhain, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want out of the coming year. The last two years have been among the most difficult in my memory, or at least that’s the way they feel to me right now. I know we tend to romanticize the past which casts today in the role of being more real, but really, look at what we’ve lived through in recent years.

So, what do I want?

There are the things I always want: to get out of debt, to lose weight, to become a best selling author…but for me, for this year, I want to address things that are tangible, that are attainable.

I feel I am in a good place as I face into the next rotation around the sun. I’m in a good job with good people doing work that I enjoy. I have what I need and a lot of what I want. What would make life better?

More organization, especially around the house.

Stop procrastinating, especially the little things.

Spend more time with friends, which is necessarily impacted by the pandemic and my own agoraphobia.

Read more. I have a stack of books in my TBR pile that I’ve been meaning to read all year, but I’ve been hampered by the notion that the time spent reading should be spent doing something more productive.

I haven’t nailed down what I’m planting this Samhain, clearly. But I can feel the veil thinning, I can sense the strong strum of a heart that *wants*. Good thing I have a few weeks to figure it all out, I guess.

What are you putting into the fertile soil for the coming year, Readers?

On that note, I need to jump on that day job thing. Have a wonderful Wednesday.

Photo by Michael Dziedzic on Unsplash

Posted on by — Leave a comment

bring on the hugs

If you have been reading my blog for any amount of time, you’ll know that I’m an agoraphobe. I was even BEFORE this pandemic. I’m most comfortable and happy within my own home, and in spaces that I am intimately familiar with (family homes, friends places, etc). In particular, I need to control the number of people in any given space.

This makes this whole idea of re-entering “normal” rather problematic for me. This year and a half being encouraged to stay home to stay safe has escalated certain anxieties for me. The rise of this Delta variant isn’t helping.

In a week, I’m getting on a plane for the first time in close to two years and I’m flying to Austin, Texas to spend time with some friends.

There’s a lot to be excited about. There’s also a lot to be worried about.

I know the people I’ll be with are vaccinated. I know a good chunk of our time we will be in well ventilated or open areas. But there’s the BART to the airport, the airport, the plane, the other airport, transportation to the hotel, the hotel…etc…

I’m trying to balance that against getting to see friends, getting to meet up with coworkers and live music for the first time in a lifetime.

I have Xanax on hand. I have presents to deliver. And I can not wait for the music.

And hugs. I can’t believe how much I miss hugs.

Photo by Vitolda Klein on Unsplash

Posted on by — Leave a comment

do we still need pride in 2021

In any “normal” year, I would already be hard at work on the site of the SF Pride celebration, working with my team to deploy donation buckets out to the groups that man our gates to collect money from Pride goers.

That money goes into helping to keep Pride running, as well as giving grants to the non-profit organizations who send us their volunteers to do the job. It’s a job I’ve been doing in one capacity or another for the last…I don’t know anymore? Fifteen years?

You might think that it’s an odd job choice for someone with agoraphobia, and you’d be correct. It is. However, I learned early on in my battle against the irrational fear that having a job to do, having people who count on me to do that job, goes a long way in pushing the fear back.

When I first started working Pride with the Pagan Alliance all those years ago, I started off volunteering to supervise PA volunteers, but the Pride Donations department was just starting up a program to have coordinators who worked behind the scenes and I tossed my hat into the ring. Since then, I’ve been part of the team that did the work.

It provides me with a safe space when the crowds are overwhelming, and a task that needs doing to allow me the push I need to conquer the fear…or at least keep it at bay. It helps that it also includes a golf cart for part of the day, which affords me a little bubble of space around me.

All of that said, this is our second year without the event due to this damn pandemic. It just isn’t safe to cram that many people into that space, even now…even here in California where our numbers are way down.

I’ve heard a lot lately about why we still need Pride. We need Pride so that our community knows that we have their back. We need Pride because our transgender siblings are still being murdered at an alarming rate. We need Pride because our people are still facing discrimination in jobs, housing and even just in shopping. We need Pride because we need to lift each other up and help each other along.

In recent years we’ve started to realize just how many LGBTQA+ folks exist in this world, and it’s a lot more than we used to believe. I have a large number of non-binary and ace friends and family that ten years ago would not have felt safe to be who they are in the open…or even realized that there was a name for what they were feeling. I have transgender friends and family that have “come out” in the last five years, who are finally starting to feel that there is a place in this world where they don’t have to pretend.

So when will it be enough to not need a big gay celebration and parade? Never. It will never be “enough”. We should always celebrate who we are.

May this Pride weekend be filled with love and appreciation for who you are, Reader. May you feel safe to live your truth out and proud. May you make space for others to do the same. I love you all!

Photo by Steve Johnson on Unsplash

Posted on by — Leave a comment

questions and curfews

You know how some days your coffee tastes extra good? Today is like that. Mmmm, coffee.

In other news, California is going into a partial lockdown this weekend in an effort to curb the spread of Covid-19, which is to say that the governor issued a curfew curtailing public outings and/or gatherings between the hours of 10 pm and 5 am.

I have questions.

How much gathering and outings are happening during those hours?
Is the virus only contagious during those hours?
With the list of exceptions, what is it we’re actually not allowed to do?
Who is picking up prescriptions after 10 pm?
Who is picking up dinner at a restaurant after 10 pm?

As an agoraphobic introvert, I don’t understand why just staying home is such a problem for so many. I mean, I realize I’m in a minority here and that other people need human contact a whole lot more than I do, but with the idea that going out into the world might mean death for you, or a loved one, how is that choice hard?

In yet other news, being up super early means I get some extra writing time today. Coupled with the extra good tasting coffee, this news makes me happy. It’s the little things, you know?

Happy Friday, Readers. Stay safe. Wear your mask if you have to go out. Stay home if you can. Wash your hands. Be kind, especially now. Kindness matters.

Posted on by — Leave a comment

black lives matter. period.

There seems to be a sense of expectation hanging in the air, at least here for me. Some of that is the fact that after months of unemployment, I will be starting not one new job on Monday, but two! I pretty much won’t have a life here for a while, but neither of them pay what I’m accustomed to and combined they might just let me climb up out of the hole I find myself in financially.

Add to that confirmation that an event I had been looking forward to in August is still happening (at least at this moment…who knows what the future will bring…but it IS in Texas, so…yeah, no idea how that will affect things), and I am cautiously hopeful.

With so much wrong in this country right now, with death and dismay all around us, it feels good to have something to look forward to. But, we have to remember, this pandemic isn’t gone. And, we are sure to see spikes in the numbers going forward, with so many bodies out there protesting, with businesses opening, with so many people just acting as if now that we have a new threat, the old one is gone.

People are still dying of this virus. Which in no way means that I do not support the protests or my black brothers and sisters. I totally understand their choices, because if your choice is a slow, agonizing death or a fight to prevent senseless, violent death? I’d choose the latter every time.

I wish I had what it took to be out there with them, but I’ll be honest, between my agoraphobia and my immuno-compromised system, I break out in a cold sweat just looking at the pictures on my TV.

My new jobs will help me stay home too, since they’re both work from home. It means a lot of stuff I might normally be doing gets put on hold, such as writing. Today and tomorrow might actually be the last few days I have to get words out of my head and down on paper for the next few months.

So I should probably get on that…and make more coffee! Remember, Black Lives Matter. Kindness Matters. Love Matters.

Posted on by — Leave a comment

it’s the end of the world as we know it

Any normal June 1st would see me waist deep in preparation for San Francisco’s Pride Festival and Parade, which usually happens near the end of June. I’d be planning training sessions for my volunteer groups and their supervisors. I’d be fielding phone calls from first time volunteers over the phone, holding skype calls to help someone get up to speed. I’d be pouring over spreadsheets, making sure each entry gate had enough people manning the donation buckets.

This year, in a time of a pandemic, we had already canceled the parade and festival before the current escalation of the end of the world, but I can only imagine that if we hadn’t, we’d be seriously considering it now.

Why? Well, because drunk, stupid people are hard enough to contain when they don’t have an instigator driving them to bad behavior. Because we’ve seen so many clashes of community and police (though I have never personally seen police acting inappropriately at the festival itself, that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t happen) and because right now emotions are very high and the world seems to be standing at the tipping edge of something huge.

SF Pride sometimes has 1 million people over the course of the weekend. Those people come in every ethnicity, every nationality, every color, every orientation and every gender. Outside the gates there are protesters trying to tell us our “lifestyle” is wrong, or sometimes other messages that often get lost in the clamor of that many people. There are criminals looking to score drugs or to bloody someone for fun. There have been shootings and stabbings. There have been gay bashings.

Lay that on top of the racial tensions and the fear and the anger, and you’d have a recipe for one giant powder keg, just waiting for a spark to set it alight.

So here I sit at the beginning of Pride month, a little numb and staring into the heart of a country that no longer feels like home, and I hide in my house, watching the chaos around me unfold. My agoraphobia makes it nearly impossible to join a peaceful protest. We will see a spike in virus numbers. This might devolve into a civil war, or at least that’s the way it feels.

Maybe it is the end of the world as we know it. I’m not convinced that is a bad thing. It’s up to us, every individual to decide how we rise from the ashes.

Please stay safe out there, Readers. Support your brothers and sisters as they cry out in rage for change, for equality, for an end to the violence of poverty, discrimination and straight out hate.

None of us are equal until we are all equal.