Tag: agoraphobe

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…forever in a day…

I’ve been awake since 2am because of anxiety. I leave for the airport in about a half hour. I haven’t ridden this edge of anxiety since my Kane days. Literally shaking right now.

But! I am also so excited at the same time. I’ve already medicated, so that should help me not have a panic attack just walking into the convention.

For airplane reading, if I don’t fall asleep, I have my own book, Forever, because I’m doing a book thing next Thursday with a reading group at a former coworker’s new workplace and I haven’t been immersed into that world in a hot minute. Picked it up last night and skimmed through the first chapter.

I had forgotten how much I love that character and that world. So much of my life went into that book. I may sign it and leave it somewhere at the con for someone to find. I do that from time to time.

Anyway, if you want to follow my anxiety-filled first SPN con experience, follow me on Threads (@nataliejcase) as I will be spewing things as they happen and posting pics (and yes, the “big camera” and “big lens” are coming along for the ride.

Might drop content on Insta and FB as well, so take peeks there too if you like.

Y’all be good while I’m gone, or at least don’t burn the world down or start and apocalypse.

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an agoraphobe preps for con

A week from now I will be alone at a Supernatural convention. By alone, I mean, minus my support system.

I’ve avoided these cons for years due to the agoraphobia. The sheer number of people is terrifying. Not being in control of my surroundings is terrifying. Add in meeting Jeffrey Dean Morgan, who just makes me into a teenage girl, and my whole body is vibrating with anxiety.

I’ve done what I can to minimize the anxiety. I’ve got a front-row seat. I won the VIP package, which means front of the line for everything, a lounge where I can decompress, and more. I’ll have my camera which helps keep me focused.

I started planning my packing, but I need to find the Tshirts I bought to wear to this thing. I have Xanax and I have cannabis. I have stuff to have signed.

I’m going to be fine, but right now, a week out, I’m shaking with anxiety and having mini freak outs on the daily. So it’s very much a “focus on one thing until it’s finished” kind of week over here in Natalie-land.

Stay afraid, but do it anyway is my mantra right now.

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there’s no place like home

As an agoraphobe and an introvert, my home is my safe space. These past two years, I have not suffered with loneliness or gone stir crazy from being at home. I have a job I can do from my home. My outings have been a once-a-week trip to the grocery store and once vaccinations came around, the occasional trip to see family.

However, what I have missed is travel.

It might seem paradoxical that an introverted agoraphobe loves to travel, but I do. Road trips with friends to see live music. Long vacations in places I’ve never been. Leisurely sunsets on sandy beaches, watching the sun rise as I sip my coffee in the woods, or on a lake.

My travel has been minimal. I went to Austin in August of this year, and that’s about it. And, with the area in the red zone for COVID that trip had its anxiety.

And to be fair, I wouldn’t be comfortable in a crowded bar or theater for music, nor sitting in a plane for 10 hours to go overseas. A cabin in the woods might be nice. Maybe I’ll look into a cabin in Tahoe in the new year. I can make it a writing vacation…take a week off work, nestle in to a cozy cabin and write.

But first, I’m on the hunt for a new home to make my safe space. This one is starting to feel unwelcoming, for a number of reasons. Later today I’m looking at a place not far from where my family lives in Stockton, CA. If it works out, I’ll be moving in January. I kind of like the idea of starting something new at the start of the year.

It just feels right.

What are your hopes for the coming new year, Readers?

Photo by Eva Darron on Unsplash

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how an introverted agoraphobe travels

I am nearly completely packed up for my weekend trip to Denver, just need to stick my journal and a pen in the backpack, and double check my electronics. I’ve checked into the hotel. I will be checking into my flight in about 20 minutes. I have a full work day ahead of me.

This is probably the least anxious moment in my travel. Until I achieve all of the check-ins, I’m a ball of anxiety fretting about what will go wrong. But, now is the calm of knowing I have the plans in place, and with that, knowing I can go with the flow.

Tomorrow will kickstart the actual travel anxiety: What if I don’t get to the airport on time? What if I miss my train? Miss my flight? What if the plane has a problem? What if there are anti-maskers on the plane? What if someone with COVID coughs in my face? What if…etc. Oh, and my brain can manufacture the most outrageous scenarios to worry over. It’s kind of ridiculous, really.

Then, once in Denver, there’s the “What if I can’t find my friends in the airport?” and “What if we can’t find the hotel?” (which is silly because GPS and we’ve been there before), etc.

But! Once we’ve gotten to the hotel, gotten into our room and found the conference registration? Then it’s a weekend of mostly relaxation. Sure, there will be moments of panic/fear/needing to hide. There always is. And when I come home on Sunday, there will be a few days of hiding and recharging.

I control what I can so that I can let go of what is outside my control. My flight, my car, my hotel.

Oh, and double checking that the Death Wish Instant coffee is in my suitcase. I do need my coffee, you know.

I should get to that day job thing. And maybe second coffee.

Photo by Suhyeon Choi on Unsplash