writing is therapy

I make now secret of the gastric bypass surgery I had a year ago, or how that has altered my life. It’s weird really what changes and what doesn’t.  I mean, I still love food, and would love to eat all of the food all of the time, but the difference is that I no long am physically capable of eating all the food.

I love buying clothes now, something I have always dreaded, and exercise is, by and large, enjoyable when I’m not dealing with other chronic issues.  Now that my day job has moved offices, we’re around the corner from a Planet Fitness so I can hit the gym at least a few times per week, which is great.  All my other gym options are things I have to get in my car to get to…which is okay, if you’re the kind of person who will do that when they get home from a long day at work.  I am not that kind of person.

I’m also doing some PT to fix my “wandering patella” problem, all of which means that today I am sore in new and unique places and ways.

But, a thing I had read about, but thought I wouldn’t have to battle, is the mental inability to process the images I see in the mirror.  Kind of like when someone with an eating disorder looks in the mirror and they see a hideous fat person even though they are the furthest thing from fat, when I look in the mirror, most of the time I see that same 350 pound woman I was when this whole journey started.

Don’t get me wrong, I know on some level that it isn’t true.  And, I love that 350 pound woman just as much as I love this 200 pound woman I have become.  But the cognitive dissonance is an amazing phenomena.  I sit here typing this little exploration of self and all I can see is my big fat belly, which is no where near as fat as it once was, and even though I’m wearing leggings that are XL instead of 5X, and a shirt that is 2X and big on me, I am dissatisfied.

I see my surgeon on the 29th, and I hope to have finally dropped under that 200 mark by then.  Looking further ahead, I have an Austin trip in early August, and my hope is to be at or under 175 by then.

And believe me when I tell you, Readers, all of the psychological observations coming out of this journey and all of the sense of self, even as that self is undergoing lots of changes, will find itself woven into a story at some point.  After all, writing is my therapy!