Posted on Leave a comment

stay the hell at home

I was going to start this post with some trite comment about surviving another week in this apocalyptic hell, but realized almost immediately that not everybody has survived.  So many people I know has lost someone in the last few weeks, or has a loved one in the hospital that they can’t visit.  Nearly everyone I know has fears that a vulnerable person they love might contract this virus.

And, while we all need some light hearted humor in times like these, what we don’t need is flippant commentary that makes light of the situation.  We are standing at a precipice with our incompetent government poised behind us with a cattle prod, ready to send us hurtling to our deaths on the rocks below.

I try not to get overly political on this blog, but we can’t afford to not be political in this situation.  It is pretty clear to me that those at the top care nothing for the rest of us, and the idiots that are being goaded into protesting to end the very protections that are keeping us semi-safe, care nothing for people they do not know.  It’s going to take major losses of people who they do know and care about to reach through the cult-like group think that keeps them doing the bidding of a man who has used public office to rake in millions of dollars.

How can anybody look at the death toll numbers that climb and climb every single day and not realize that we are not doing enough to curb this thing?  How can they see stories and posts from our doctors and nurses who are fighting tooth and nail to save people without the proper PPE and with no effective treatment plan, and still demand their right to go to the movies or the beach or wherever the hell else it is they think is so damned important?

I know someone who lost her husband this weekend.  He was thirty six.  She had to drive him to the doors of the ER and leave him there because they wouldn’t let her in.  In less than twenty four hours he was in the ICU on a ventilator, unable to talk.  Her last words to his face were, “Call me when you know anything. I love you.”

He died alone, with a stranger in a mask beside him, holding his phone to his ear as his wife tried to say goodbye through choked tears.  He leaves behind a wife and three kids who are now under quarantine having to rely on the kindness of strangers to keep them fed.  Right now, they aren’t sure where he contracted the virus, as he made every attempt to be safe, but he had taken a job as a delivery driver after getting laid off from his regular job.  He had said he just wanted to help in this time of crisis.

His desire to help got him killed.

Make no mistake, Readers, this virus is a killer, and it doesn’t care how old you are or how healthy you are. It comes out of nowhere and can strike down a person in a week, maybe less.

So, stay the hell at home please!  The life you save could be your own, or your mother’s or your spouse’s, your kids, your neighbor.  Please be safe.  Love one another. Be kind.  These are weird times.

 

Cover Photo by Scott Webb on Unsplash

Posted on Leave a comment

writing is therapy

I make now secret of the gastric bypass surgery I had a year ago, or how that has altered my life. It’s weird really what changes and what doesn’t.  I mean, I still love food, and would love to eat all of the food all of the time, but the difference is that I no long am physically capable of eating all the food.

I love buying clothes now, something I have always dreaded, and exercise is, by and large, enjoyable when I’m not dealing with other chronic issues.  Now that my day job has moved offices, we’re around the corner from a Planet Fitness so I can hit the gym at least a few times per week, which is great.  All my other gym options are things I have to get in my car to get to…which is okay, if you’re the kind of person who will do that when they get home from a long day at work.  I am not that kind of person.

I’m also doing some PT to fix my “wandering patella” problem, all of which means that today I am sore in new and unique places and ways.

But, a thing I had read about, but thought I wouldn’t have to battle, is the mental inability to process the images I see in the mirror.  Kind of like when someone with an eating disorder looks in the mirror and they see a hideous fat person even though they are the furthest thing from fat, when I look in the mirror, most of the time I see that same 350 pound woman I was when this whole journey started.

Don’t get me wrong, I know on some level that it isn’t true.  And, I love that 350 pound woman just as much as I love this 200 pound woman I have become.  But the cognitive dissonance is an amazing phenomena.  I sit here typing this little exploration of self and all I can see is my big fat belly, which is no where near as fat as it once was, and even though I’m wearing leggings that are XL instead of 5X, and a shirt that is 2X and big on me, I am dissatisfied.

I see my surgeon on the 29th, and I hope to have finally dropped under that 200 mark by then.  Looking further ahead, I have an Austin trip in early August, and my hope is to be at or under 175 by then.

And believe me when I tell you, Readers, all of the psychological observations coming out of this journey and all of the sense of self, even as that self is undergoing lots of changes, will find itself woven into a story at some point.  After all, writing is my therapy!

Posted on Leave a comment

to boldly go…

Among my earliest memories, there is Star Trek, you know, the original series that started the phenomenon.  I couldn’t tell you how old I was, but I can tell you about the ugly brown couch with the weird texture that we sat on to watch it, and that I watched it with my father.

I know it came before Star Wars, which came along when I was nine, and I know that it started my love of sci-fi, and more than that, my love of space.

The only thing that kept me from pursuing a life in the sciences was my extreme hatred of math, and the more advanced the math, the more I disliked it. So, I opted toward the science fiction side of space.

But, things like this…this image of a black hole a ridiculous distance from earth…a beautiful, amazing image that took a team of scientists working together for years…things like this make me dream of a different life a little bit.

katie-boumanAnd then there’s this picture of Katie Bouman, one of the scientists on the project as she sees all of that work coming to fruition.  Look at the joy and wonder on her face.  That is the face of someone who loves her work, who has passion for her work and is genuinely in awe of the universe at her fingertips.

Of course there are trolls out there set to destroy the legacy Katie’s accomplishments for little more than the fact that she is a woman, but forget them.  They can’t take that joy, that sense of wonder from this picture.  They can’t hold a candle to the work that she’s done in her young life.  Forget them and let their legacy be one of the silence that comes when one is ignored.

Look instead to this beautiful image, and recognize the scientists, all of them including women and gay men and straight men,  who made it possible.  Imagine what else they can show us!

And, while I’m here, Readers, a quick reminder that Where Shadows Fall is available for your Kindle for free today and tomorrow, so get yours now!

Want more from me? Visit me!

Weight Loss: https://aweightyjourneysite.wordpress.com/
Current Events: https://myweightinwords.wordpress.com/
Poetry: https://weightywordspoetry.wordpress.com/
Patreon:  https://www.patreon.com/nataliejcase

You can also find me on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram (be warned I post a lot pictures of my cats).

Posted on Leave a comment

go, go gadget girl

I’m the first to admit, I am a lover of gadgets.  If I could, I would have all the gadgets.  Well, maybe not all of them.  I’m not an Apple lover (but I couldn’t find a freely available picture of a collection of Samsung gadgets).

Some gadgets I came to late in the game.  My first MP3 player was a gift from a company I was working for at the time.  My first fitness tracker was a gift from my mother.

This week I stepped up from just a fitness tracker to a smart watch.  My hesitancy to make the jump had more to do with battery life than anything, and I am still trying to find my rhythm with when and where to charge it.

I’m still wearing my Fitbit for the time being too, as I figure out the differences between them so that I can interpret the results on my Samsung watch in relation to what I am used to.  For example, as I sit here at my office desk, my Fitbit says I’ve put in 2846 steps, while the watch says 2196.  The other area I notice a real difference is in sleep tracking.

The whole point of the watch was to replace the Fitbit, which is having serious issues since I cracked the screen in Italy.  Doing it before the Fitbit dies completely was important to me, so that I could make the transition the way I am.

Of course, the problem with all this connectivity is that I get notifications for things on my computer, my phone and my watch now, and they aren’t perfectly in sync, so they buzz, buzz, buzz at me!

Anyway, it’s another rainy day here in San Francisco.  I hope there’s some sunshine where you are, Readers!  I’m off to have some coffee.

 

Photo by Pepi Stojanovski on Unsplash

Posted on Leave a comment

a storm’s a blowin’

I was startled awake at four AM this morning by gusty winds outside my bedroom window.  I had been aware that we were expecting a significant storm, but the reality of it was a bit jarring as I was waking up from some scattered dream that I think was about getting arrested.

My dream life can be a bit spectacular, in part due to one of the medications that I’m on for my back pain.  Toss in the pain from my recent surgery and the storm, it’s little wonder I found myself awake so early.

My bariatric surgery was Tuesday.  I came home from the hospital on Wednesday, and I’ve been convalescing at home since then, learning all of the adjustments I have to make to how I do things…like it’s a waste to make a whole pot of coffee, when it takes me nearly an hour to drink one cup!  I am, in fact, enjoying my first cup of (decaf) coffee since the surgery as I am writing this.

Most of the swelling has gone down now, but my stomach looks like someone used it for target practice…someone who wasn’t very good at targets, LOL.  They made seven total incisions, the biggest one is just over an inch long.

My first full day home was the worst for the pain, and I slept most of it off in a haze of pain medication.  Since then, each day has gotten better.  I anticipate that by the time I see my surgeon for my follow up, I should be ready to get back to my normal routine.  Until then, I will be working from home so that I can rest when I need to and such.

So, here I sit, sipping my coffee and listening to the wind and the rain outside, contemplating what shape today’s writing will take.  I hope your Saturday is filled with joy, Readers.

 

Photo by Bryan Minear on Unsplash

Posted on Leave a comment

the neverending journey

I have recently made the decision to undergo weight loss surgery.  I have been some level of overweight for most of my adult life.  At my largest, I weighed in at 320 pounds.  The smallest I’ve been as an adult was 153 pounds.  Currently I’m circling 280, and fighting to get down another five before I see the surgeon again.

Like most women who have struggled with their weight, I’ve tried every fad diet, every supplement, every new-fangled idea that came along.  Some of them worked, some of them didn’t.  Most recently I tried a very restricted eating regimen, which resulted in a loss of sixty something pounds, but I was only consuming 800 calories per day, which simply isn’t sustainable.

All of that dieting and sporadic bursts of exercise has my metabolic system so screwed up that when I upped my calorie count to 1000, I stopped losing weight.  When I upped it to 1200 on my doctor’s advice, I started gaining it back.

I’ve gained almost 30 pounds since then. Admittedly, I lost my will for it when I started gaining it back while still restricting calories, and I’ve struggled to get back to eating healthy after my vacation in September.

Ultimately, what made the decision for me was the levels of pain I am in on a daily basis.  My back, my feet, and most of my arms and shoulders are in chronic pain every day.  If I manage to walk my 10K steps on one day, the next day I can barely walk.  It’s nuts.  If I can’t walk, I can’t do much.

So, here we are.  I see the doctor on Wednesday, and that is when she will decide if we can schedule the surgery for before the end of the year. My hope is that this will set me up for a 2019 that is healthier and stronger, and less pain-filled than 2018 was.

Posted on 1 Comment

skewed and chronic

Hello, my name is Natalie, and I live with chronic pain.  To be fair, I live with several chronic conditions, and pain is only one of them.  Recently, I’ve come to realized how skewed my pool of friends, loved ones and associates is toward those who share this living situation.

I’ve only been in the job I currently have for just shy of two years.  It’s the first job in a while where a fair number of my coworkers are as much as twenty years younger than I am, which doesn’t necessarily protect them from chronic pain, it just makes it less likely to have encountered it.

Several times in the last week or so, a coworker has asked me if I was “all better now” and I wasn’t sure how to answer them.  I am definitely better than I was in October when I got sidelined by the flare up of a pinched nerve, or better than I was in January when I had a cold, a sinus infection, a chest infection, etc, which knocked my sugar out of whack.

One coworker said, “You haven’t complained about X in a while, so you must not be in pain anymore.”

I laughed (you know, that laugh of the “have you met me?” variety) and joked that if I were ever not in some pain, I would assume I was dead.  He was baffled and horrified.  I tried to explain that my lower back, my knee, my wrists, elbows and shoulders, and my neck where all victims of various chronic conditions, which meant they would be calm for a while, but then something would cause them to flare up…that they were never gone, and that at any given moment, I am in pain somewhere.  That my normal status is this certain level of pain, which I can tolerate and function with.

He made this face, the kind people make when you tell them you’re ill.  I see it a lot.  But the thing is, they don’t comprehend that I’m not complaining, I’m not upset…I’m not asking for sympathy and I don’t need them to do anything.

I get it from others too.  This weird look, like a scared sympathetic, please god not me sort of thing that irritates me.  And even when I explain what these chronic conditions mean, that they will never be gone, the next time I come in limping because my lower back has decided to send an invading nerve impulse through my hip and into my leg, or I’m favoring my right arm, or what have you, they will act all surprised again and want to know what I’ve done to injure myself now.

But, you know what?  For all my aches and pains, I am a pretty happy person and I have a pretty amazing life.  I certainly wouldn’t trade any of my experiences for anything.  And now, it’s time for a second cup of coffee and to get this work day on it’s feet.

Happy Wednesday, Readers!

Posted on Leave a comment

let’s talk agoraphobia

Happy Friday, Readers!  It’s a wet, wet day here in San Francisco, but I’m safely in the office and the coffee is hot!

I thought I’d take a minute today and talk about one of the “issues” I battle everyday.  See, I’m an agoraphobic.  Taken literally, the translation from the greek means “fear of the marketplace” but since the world has evolved, so has this monster.

Agoraphobia can be seen as a spectrum of sorts, and people with agoraphobia can have intense fear, anxiety and even panic that keeps them from living their life the way they want to.

At its worst, agoraphobia can make a person housebound, unable to leave the safety of their home because of the fear.  Some are unable to move outside a specified “safety zone” without someone there to help them.

Psychology Today has a good article here.

Thankfully, mine is not that bad, though having people with me who know how to spot my panic attacks starting and how to help me through them is a blessing. I still manage to get my own groceries, I go to work (most days), and I travel.

But, every one of these things can induce anything from minor anxiety to heart stopping panic.  There are days I won’t even open my front door.  Days where just going to get the mail is a major achievement.  There are days when I think nothing of getting in the car and heading out into the unknown though too.

Like any other chronic condition, it is a constant part of who I am, but its severity and my ability to fight it change all the time, and because I also live with chronic pain, it can also affect and be affected by the levels of pain I am in.

On bad pain days, I spend all my energy battling pain, and I have nothing left to fight the phobia, so I generally stay within my safety space.  On days when the phobia is running high and I know I have to go out into the world anyway, there’s seldom anything left to manage my pain.

It can be a vicious circle.

I’ve come to terms with this being a part of who I am, and I have mental coping mechanisms that help me handle crowds, unknown spaces, etc.  Crowds are hard. Crowds require days of mental prep and days of hibernating after.  Sometimes they require pharmaceutical help.  I take a very low dose of Xanax when needed.

Yet, I go to concerts and conventions and conferences.  I get on trains that I know are going to be standing room only long before I get home.  It’s terrifying and it’s exhausting and if you asked most people around me they’d tell you that they had no idea I was terrified because I’ve learned to hide it.

Why?  Because I’m a stubborn bitch that refuses to let my misfiring brain keep me from things and people I love.  At least, not all the time.  Maybe someday, when I’m a doddering eighty year old writer with a library of books in my quiver, I can become a recluse, and eccentric cat lady who never goes out and never lets anyone in, other than my young, gorgeous assistant/nurse who makes sure I eat and take my meds.

So today, I won the battle, despite the rain and the messy commute and the people.  I’m at my desk and now my cup of coffee is empty, so it’s time to go search for more.

May your weekend be amazing!

Posted on Leave a comment

happy new year

Happy New Year Readers!

As I said in my previous post, I’ve had a friend visiting from England this week, and we’ve been off doing a bit of site seeing.

My friend has been wanting to get to the Winchester Mystery House for the last 13 years, so of course I had to make sure she got there.  We had a really pleasant afternoon there, starting with the regular mansion tour, then taking the new “Explore More” tour, which takes you to a number of rooms that had previously been closed to the public.  Of course, they’ve done some refurbishing since I was last there, and they’ve had a movie shooting in the house this last year, which will be coming out in February.

After that we drove down to Monterey and wandered around the aquarium.  We were scheduled to go whale watching the next day, but were both in enough physical pain to scrub that plan.  Instead, we drove up the coast toward home, pausing here and there to get out and look at the shoreline.  My camera loved it.

We had a quiet new year’s eve, staying home and watching movies.  Instead of going out and partying, we stayed in and planned our shenanigans for next year.  I turn fifty in September this year, and have decided I want to tour Italy!  I am super excited! We will start in Rome and end in Paris where we will spend a few days at Disneyland Paris and visiting the various sites.

We were in bed by 10pm. Party animals we are!

Yesterday, we ventured someplace I’ve wanted to go for a while, the California Academy of Sciences in Golden Gate Park.  The science geek in me LOVED it!  We visited the rain forest and the aquarium, the earthquake zone, the swamp and it’s amazing albino alligator, then there were penguins! All in all, it was an amazing day, even if we were both exhausted when it was over.

Cal Academy of Science -68

We’re now on the wind down of our vacation time.  My friend leaves to go home tomorrow, so today, we are watching favorite episodes of Star Gate and doing laundry so that she doesn’t have to do laundry when she gets home.

All in all, it was a wonderful way to start a new year!  I hope all of you were having a wonderful start to an amazing year to come!