Tag: pain

Posted on by — Leave a comment

what goes around, comes around

At the risk of alienating some of you, I’m going to talk about being a woman of a certain age, with all the attendant drama and bodily functions. If this might bother you, please just keep going about your day and ignore me.

I find it interesting that here, on the approach to fifty-three and entering the twilight of dawning menopause, my “monthly” cycle seems to have come back around to what it was like as I entered through the door labeled “puberty” all those years ago.

Back then, my cycle was a bit erratic, and it meant not really being able to predict when it was coming, as well as hormonal swings that could give you whiplash, zits everywhere (and not just on my face), and pain that I was told was “normal” for whatever that’s worth.

Here today, my cycle is a bit erratic, and I never really know for sure whether I’m going to have one or not. My hormonal swings are not as dramatic as they were at fourteen or fifteen, but they are deeper and last longer. My face is full of zits. The “normal” pain stopped being normal years ago and now can knock me off my feet for at least three days.

Getting old is not for the weak, I suppose.

And maybe, if this is me circling back to the beginning, and that means an end to the semi-regular torture that comes of having a uterus, I can only beg it to move a little faster.

On that note, I should wipe my eyes (yes, I am crying over nothing, why do you ask?), drink my coffee and kick this day into gear.

My love to you all, Readers. And may the Friday be kind.

Photo by Christian Lue on Unsplash

Posted on by — Leave a comment

pain and suffering

As someone who has their hands on a keyboard approximately 12 to 14 hours per day, it is unsurprising that I have chronic pain issues in my arms/hands.  Some days it is barely noticeable among the cacophony of other pain issues in my body. Other days, like today, it becomes a screaming symphony that demands to be heard.

It started as neck pain yesterday, all around that pinched nerve.  Moved into the shoulder through the night.  By this morning, my shoulder, elbow and wrist were crying…and of course, I can’t find a single wrist brace anywhere!  I only own about five of them, but none of them are where I can put my hands on them.

It also seriously cuts into my ability to write or edit.  A lot.  Typing isn’t as bad on this Kinesis keyboard, but using the mouse is tear inducing.

Needless to say, this drives me to want to spend my day away from the keyboard and mouse.  Well, not really.  What I want is to be pain free enough to get my work done, but barring that, the next best thing is to take my hands off the things that hurt them.

Maybe if I listen to my body today, it will let me work tomorrow.

 

Photo by Mat Reding on Unsplash

Posted on by — Leave a comment

a storm’s a blowin’

I was startled awake at four AM this morning by gusty winds outside my bedroom window.  I had been aware that we were expecting a significant storm, but the reality of it was a bit jarring as I was waking up from some scattered dream that I think was about getting arrested.

My dream life can be a bit spectacular, in part due to one of the medications that I’m on for my back pain.  Toss in the pain from my recent surgery and the storm, it’s little wonder I found myself awake so early.

My bariatric surgery was Tuesday.  I came home from the hospital on Wednesday, and I’ve been convalescing at home since then, learning all of the adjustments I have to make to how I do things…like it’s a waste to make a whole pot of coffee, when it takes me nearly an hour to drink one cup!  I am, in fact, enjoying my first cup of (decaf) coffee since the surgery as I am writing this.

Most of the swelling has gone down now, but my stomach looks like someone used it for target practice…someone who wasn’t very good at targets, LOL.  They made seven total incisions, the biggest one is just over an inch long.

My first full day home was the worst for the pain, and I slept most of it off in a haze of pain medication.  Since then, each day has gotten better.  I anticipate that by the time I see my surgeon for my follow up, I should be ready to get back to my normal routine.  Until then, I will be working from home so that I can rest when I need to and such.

So, here I sit, sipping my coffee and listening to the wind and the rain outside, contemplating what shape today’s writing will take.  I hope your Saturday is filled with joy, Readers.

 

Photo by Bryan Minear on Unsplash

Posted on by — Leave a comment

taken a-back

There is this moment, just as I am waking up, but before I’ve moved or opened my eyes.  In that moment, nothing hurts, at least not above my baseline.  I try to hold on to that moment, because I know that soon, I’ll have to move, have to sit up and put my feet on the floor, and then the pain will come.

I sometimes joke that if I ever woke up not in pain, I’d assume I died through the night.  I’ve had chronic pain conditions most of my adult life, and I’ve developed new ones as I’ve gotten older.

Most days I can be functional with a few coping mechanisms, some gentle stretching and my meds for nerve pain.  I’m fortunate to not need anything in the opioid category for pain relief.

This morning, as I slowly became conscious and I hung there in that glorious moment when nothing hurt, I wondered what it would be like to be there all the time, to have my body back.  I’ll probably never know.  I just adjust to the new normal each time something new comes to claim my body for its home.

This week has been rough for pain levels.  My lower back, and in turn my legs, have been extra loud in the symphony and have required I do some babying and icing.  They seem to be somewhat better today, though my whole back is a hair above what I call “normal.”

That’s okay though.  Today is a writing day, and aside from getting some laundry done, I have no other plans.  Just me, some Death Wish Coffee and one of the two stories I’m currently working on.

What about you, Reader?  What’s on your plate today?

Posted on by — Leave a comment

…to say goodbye…

My first experience with death came when I was fifteen years old.  In the space of less than seven days, my father’s mother died and a childhood friend died.  Grandma’s passing wasn’t  a big shock, but finding out about Dennis that Monday morning at school was like a punch to my gut. The shock of it slammed me harder than I would have imagined, after all, we hadn’t been close for years.

Most of that day is still a blur.

Since then, I’ve lost grandparents and others, each of them affecting me differently. The most recent of these was the unexpected death of my step father in May. Mother’s day will be forever altered for us, even if he wasn’t pronounced for another five days.

Today we will say our goodbyes.  The memorial service will be at his sister’s house.  I’ve spent the last week building a slideshow of pictures of Bob and the life we knew about.  It includes what we could gather from his life before my mother, as well as pictures of places he loved.  It’s set to four songs that my mother picked out, four songs I may not be able to listen to after today for a while.

It’s strange, wrapping up a person’s life in  four song montage of images, knowing that no matter how you try, you are only capturing  fraction of that life.  We had Bob in our lives for nearly twenty years, but he was already in his fifties when he and my mother met.  He has four grown children that we only know in the briefest way possible.  He had two previous wives.  He had a career that spanned continents and he was a man of knowledge as well as opinion.

For me, today is about supporting my mother through this process.  I’m not saying I’ve finished my grieving, but for me, the pain is much less than it must be for her, as well as for the rest of his family.  I’ll shed my tears, I’m sure.  These songs are something of a kick to the gut for me right now.  I’m going to upload the video here eventually, but I need to re-render it at a lower quality…which isn’t going to happen until tomorrow at the earliest.

For now, it’s time to finish my coffee and start loading the car.  Mom should be here soon.

 

 

Posted on by — 1 Comment

skewed and chronic

Hello, my name is Natalie, and I live with chronic pain.  To be fair, I live with several chronic conditions, and pain is only one of them.  Recently, I’ve come to realized how skewed my pool of friends, loved ones and associates is toward those who share this living situation.

I’ve only been in the job I currently have for just shy of two years.  It’s the first job in a while where a fair number of my coworkers are as much as twenty years younger than I am, which doesn’t necessarily protect them from chronic pain, it just makes it less likely to have encountered it.

Several times in the last week or so, a coworker has asked me if I was “all better now” and I wasn’t sure how to answer them.  I am definitely better than I was in October when I got sidelined by the flare up of a pinched nerve, or better than I was in January when I had a cold, a sinus infection, a chest infection, etc, which knocked my sugar out of whack.

One coworker said, “You haven’t complained about X in a while, so you must not be in pain anymore.”

I laughed (you know, that laugh of the “have you met me?” variety) and joked that if I were ever not in some pain, I would assume I was dead.  He was baffled and horrified.  I tried to explain that my lower back, my knee, my wrists, elbows and shoulders, and my neck where all victims of various chronic conditions, which meant they would be calm for a while, but then something would cause them to flare up…that they were never gone, and that at any given moment, I am in pain somewhere.  That my normal status is this certain level of pain, which I can tolerate and function with.

He made this face, the kind people make when you tell them you’re ill.  I see it a lot.  But the thing is, they don’t comprehend that I’m not complaining, I’m not upset…I’m not asking for sympathy and I don’t need them to do anything.

I get it from others too.  This weird look, like a scared sympathetic, please god not me sort of thing that irritates me.  And even when I explain what these chronic conditions mean, that they will never be gone, the next time I come in limping because my lower back has decided to send an invading nerve impulse through my hip and into my leg, or I’m favoring my right arm, or what have you, they will act all surprised again and want to know what I’ve done to injure myself now.

But, you know what?  For all my aches and pains, I am a pretty happy person and I have a pretty amazing life.  I certainly wouldn’t trade any of my experiences for anything.  And now, it’s time for a second cup of coffee and to get this work day on it’s feet.

Happy Wednesday, Readers!