it’s okay…to not be okay

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Earlier this week, I was feeling great about the possibilities of getting a job offer today.  Late yesterday I got an email saying that, like the last three jobs I felt sure I was going to get, the job has gone on hold while the company re-evaluates what they genuinely need.

To some degree, I’m used to it, as a technical writer. But, I have to admit that this time, it’s hitting me pretty hard.  The job boards have the same ten jobs or so that they’ve had for a month.  Everyone is re-evaluating.  Jobs are getting really scarce.

Earlier this week I was feeling pretty optimistic and I was happy to reach out to my extroverted friends, and read poetry on Facebook and help people get through this.  Today I’m feeling fairly hopeless.  Today I’m afraid.

Logically, I know these things come in waves, but I also know that we haven’t seen the worst of this.

I need to pay bills.  I need to pay rent.  But at the same time, I’m afraid to spend anything because I’m so unsure of when there will be more money.  If I spend nothing of my last unemployment check, or of the next two unemployment checks, I will just make my rent in May.

On Tuesday, I have an interview at Target to work overnights stocking shelves because it pays slightly better than unemployment, yet at the same time, I don’t want to take the job from someone who might need it more than I do.

I know we’re all in the same boat.  We’re all doing our best to keep that boat afloat in an ocean of uncertainty and fear.  And I know that I’ll find my optimism again, but for today it’s okay to not be okay.

I’m going to finish up this coffee and wait for the recruiter to call me for a remote tech writer job I heard about late yesterday.  Maybe this is the one?

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