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coffee in a paper cup

Today began with dropping my favorite coffee mug (well, one of them, in this case the one I keep in the office) on the floor in the office kitchen and smashing it into about five pieces.  Smashing, no?

I shook it off and got some coffee started and set out to dig through my email.  I’ve been down with a stomach bug since Sunday. So, while I worked from home yesterday, I ignored a lot of stuff.

In forty days I leave on vacation.  Two weeks in France and Italy with my good friend from England.  The history and art geeks in me are so excited I can barely function!  I got the city pass I bought for Rome in yesterday’s mail, and I’m just buzzing about it.

Italy has been on my bucket list since before I had a bucket list.

And now that my step-father’s memorial is over, and after this weekend we should have my mother completely moved into her new place, that means I now have time to turn my energy back to writing.  I wrote about a half a chapter this last week, and it felt really good.

I have some major editing to do on Where Shadows Fall before I can get it submitted to my editor, but I also have two other projects on the burners again after a long absence.  With any luck, August can be the month of finishing that trilogy and getting it into the publisher.

For now, I’m reclaiming the day with coffee out of a paper cup, and a new order into Death Wish Coffee for a new favorite coffee mug.

Smashing!

 

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…to say goodbye…

My first experience with death came when I was fifteen years old.  In the space of less than seven days, my father’s mother died and a childhood friend died.  Grandma’s passing wasn’t  a big shock, but finding out about Dennis that Monday morning at school was like a punch to my gut. The shock of it slammed me harder than I would have imagined, after all, we hadn’t been close for years.

Most of that day is still a blur.

Since then, I’ve lost grandparents and others, each of them affecting me differently. The most recent of these was the unexpected death of my step father in May. Mother’s day will be forever altered for us, even if he wasn’t pronounced for another five days.

Today we will say our goodbyes.  The memorial service will be at his sister’s house.  I’ve spent the last week building a slideshow of pictures of Bob and the life we knew about.  It includes what we could gather from his life before my mother, as well as pictures of places he loved.  It’s set to four songs that my mother picked out, four songs I may not be able to listen to after today for a while.

It’s strange, wrapping up a person’s life in  four song montage of images, knowing that no matter how you try, you are only capturing  fraction of that life.  We had Bob in our lives for nearly twenty years, but he was already in his fifties when he and my mother met.  He has four grown children that we only know in the briefest way possible.  He had two previous wives.  He had a career that spanned continents and he was a man of knowledge as well as opinion.

For me, today is about supporting my mother through this process.  I’m not saying I’ve finished my grieving, but for me, the pain is much less than it must be for her, as well as for the rest of his family.  I’ll shed my tears, I’m sure.  These songs are something of a kick to the gut for me right now.  I’m going to upload the video here eventually, but I need to re-render it at a lower quality…which isn’t going to happen until tomorrow at the earliest.

For now, it’s time to finish my coffee and start loading the car.  Mom should be here soon.

 

 

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let’s talk agoraphobia

Happy Friday, Readers!  It’s a wet, wet day here in San Francisco, but I’m safely in the office and the coffee is hot!

I thought I’d take a minute today and talk about one of the “issues” I battle everyday.  See, I’m an agoraphobic.  Taken literally, the translation from the greek means “fear of the marketplace” but since the world has evolved, so has this monster.

Agoraphobia can be seen as a spectrum of sorts, and people with agoraphobia can have intense fear, anxiety and even panic that keeps them from living their life the way they want to.

At its worst, agoraphobia can make a person housebound, unable to leave the safety of their home because of the fear.  Some are unable to move outside a specified “safety zone” without someone there to help them.

Psychology Today has a good article here.

Thankfully, mine is not that bad, though having people with me who know how to spot my panic attacks starting and how to help me through them is a blessing. I still manage to get my own groceries, I go to work (most days), and I travel.

But, every one of these things can induce anything from minor anxiety to heart stopping panic.  There are days I won’t even open my front door.  Days where just going to get the mail is a major achievement.  There are days when I think nothing of getting in the car and heading out into the unknown though too.

Like any other chronic condition, it is a constant part of who I am, but its severity and my ability to fight it change all the time, and because I also live with chronic pain, it can also affect and be affected by the levels of pain I am in.

On bad pain days, I spend all my energy battling pain, and I have nothing left to fight the phobia, so I generally stay within my safety space.  On days when the phobia is running high and I know I have to go out into the world anyway, there’s seldom anything left to manage my pain.

It can be a vicious circle.

I’ve come to terms with this being a part of who I am, and I have mental coping mechanisms that help me handle crowds, unknown spaces, etc.  Crowds are hard. Crowds require days of mental prep and days of hibernating after.  Sometimes they require pharmaceutical help.  I take a very low dose of Xanax when needed.

Yet, I go to concerts and conventions and conferences.  I get on trains that I know are going to be standing room only long before I get home.  It’s terrifying and it’s exhausting and if you asked most people around me they’d tell you that they had no idea I was terrified because I’ve learned to hide it.

Why?  Because I’m a stubborn bitch that refuses to let my misfiring brain keep me from things and people I love.  At least, not all the time.  Maybe someday, when I’m a doddering eighty year old writer with a library of books in my quiver, I can become a recluse, and eccentric cat lady who never goes out and never lets anyone in, other than my young, gorgeous assistant/nurse who makes sure I eat and take my meds.

So today, I won the battle, despite the rain and the messy commute and the people.  I’m at my desk and now my cup of coffee is empty, so it’s time to go search for more.

May your weekend be amazing!

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the early morning quiet

I’m in the office over an hour earlier than normal this morning because I need to leave early to shoot some senior portraits for a lovely young lady. So early in fact, none of the restaurants down stairs were open when I got here.

The office is dark and quiet and I’m the only one here.  It’s times like these I enjoy, which is also why I love working from home and living alone.  The silence is pristine. and the quiet is very settling…which is good when you have a day as full as this one is going to be.

Over the weekend I spent a lot of time working on Where Shadows Fall, because the ending just wasn’t working for me.  It’s a lot better now, which brings us closer to the place where I get it off to the editor who will make it even better.

I also spent some time reconsidering an old story idea that has been hanging around the back corners of my brain since I was in my twenties.  May see if I can breathe some life into it.  Not sure it has the plot for a full novel though.  Possibly a novella.  We’ll see.

Sounds like the coffee is ready, and I should take advantage of this quiet while I can, so I’ll leave you here, my lovely readers.  I hope your Monday is filled with hope and wonder.

 

 

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where shadows fall

The final book in the Shades and Shadows trilogy has been a slow go for me, not because I was bored of the story or anything like that.  In fact, I still love this story a great deal.  However, in the process of re-writing the first two books several times there were a number of significant changes in the plot that needed to be carried over into the final book.

Making sure I got all of that right took some time, and then I had three possible endings in mind, so I had to make some decisions. This weekend, I wrote the ending, and the “zero draft” as it were, is finished.

That’s not to say that Where Shadows Fall is ready for the editor.  I have a lot of work to do on it before that time. I have at least two pages that contain notes such as “Insert description here” and “needs better dialog” and other such creative bits, and the word count is far below what it needs to be as a result.

Still, it’s a big thing to finish a trilogy.  With any luck I’ll be able to tell you how to get Where Shadows Fall this summer!

But for now, I’m off to the day job and a second cup of coffee.  Happy Monday, Readers!

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working writer at work

Some days it’s hard to be a writer who has a day job.  Inevitably, my muse gets chatty while I’m trying to write some technical instructions or what have you.  Today is one of those days.  The main character in my blood witch story has been really chatty the last few days and if I could be home writing, I would be.

Instead, I’m in the office. You know, the daily struggle to pay the bills.

Speaking of paying the bills, do you know about www.patreon.com? It’s a nifty little place for people who love art (music, words, visual arts, more) to help the artists they like.  You pledge to pay a certain amount per month and in return, you get various goodies that can stem from behind the scenes looks at work in progress, blog posts for patrons only, and up to actual physical books.

As I build audience, I’ll add in some fun video clips (maybe me reading snippets or short stories), and other fun things.  If you’re interested in supporting me, my patreon can be found here: www.patreon.com/natalie.  Special access begins at only $3/month, though once a month I will also give the $1/month folks a sneak peek.

And, with that plea for your support, I must go back to my cup of coffee and the day job.  Those bills need paying!

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people on a train

Every weekday morning, I get up, get dressed, and head to the office.  My commute, like so many others, consists of a half mile walk, a 40 minute train ride and a half mile walk.  Door to door, it’s about an hour or so.

When you get to the station, stand in the same spot, and ride the same train every day, you see a lot of people doing the exact same thing. I tend to take one of the limited trains being used to ease the overcrowding problem on BART, particularly on the Pittsburg/Bay Point lines.  Most mornings, I see the same crew of folks while waiting.  A few get on the SFO train just before mine, but most get on the same train.

I only know first names, if I know names at all, but we’re friendly and we worry about the ones who don’t show up.  We keep track of vacations and family drama.  We share pictures of our pets and kids and grandkids.

On the train, it’s a little different.  I see a lot of faces that I know, but I know nothing about them.  We get on, go to our preferred seats, plug in our headphones and zone out for the ride.  This is good people watching time.  Of course, I give them names…because I’m a writer.

There’s Bible Guy.  He gets on a few stops after mine, stands across from my usual seat and opens his Bible.  He spends most of his time reading.  He never speaks.  He never makes eye contact.  He gets off at West Oakland.  I noticed this morning that he wasn’t on the train.  I hope he has some good holiday plans, and is off on vacation.

There’s Cranky Lady.  I don’t know that she’s actually cranky, but she always has this look like she’s pissed off at you before you can say a word.  She doesn’t respond to a smile, to a hello, to letting her go before you.  She just glares.  I haven’t seen her in a while.  I hope she’s doing alright.

There’s TV Movie Thug Guy.  He is the stereotypical white thug guy.  You’ve seen him in any movie or television show that has a mob element or dock workers, etc.  He even dresses the part. He nods his head every morning when I make eye contact.

There’s the Working Mom and her friend, Power Suit Lady.  They always sit together and they talk non-stop the entire 40 minutes.  They aren’t usually close enough for me to hear over the noise of the train. My favorite conversations though are when one or the other makes the other one laugh.  Working Mom has the BEST laugh!  Today was one of those days.  It’s a great way to start a work day.

Oh, yes!  There’s Makeup Girl too!  Haven’t seen her at all this week.  She gets on one stop after me, and spends the ENTIRE train ride applying makeup.  At least a solid half hour of putting on makeup, and when she’s done, I see no difference from when she sat down without makeup, other than her mascara.

Of course, this time of year, you get the travelers too…the ones who have never ridden BART before, and can’t seem to tell from looking which way the lines go, or who think they can just jump the line…the ones with more luggage than hands, the ones with their entire life crammed into a duffle bag nearly as tall as they are, etc.

Riding a train during commute hours is like a window into the lives of thousands of characters.  And as much as it can stress me out, if I can keep myself out of a panic attack, I can tell myself stories about them to entertain myself.

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#amwriting

It’s another Saturday, so of course that means it’s time to write.  Which is good, because I have three different stories percolating in my head.  Of course there is Where Shadows Fall, but there is a new short story idea that I’m just starting on, and the new novel tentatively called The Gift of Blood.  Not sure which will get my writing hours today.

I have to go out later today to pick up a few things and transfer some money, but aside from that my weekend is going to be spent right here at home.  I have a guest coming in from England on Wednesday, and I need to make sure the house is up to snuff.

Yule is just around the corner, with Christmas hot on its heels, and even with vacation on the horizon, it feels very hectic.  I hope you all are closing in on done with your shopping and wrapping and all the prep that comes with the holiday seasons.

I’m off to refill my coffee cup and get to making words appear.  Happy Saturday, Readers!

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who needs sleep?

Happy Saturday, Readers!  I hope you survived the Friday the 13th madness.  Little trivia for you: I was born on a Friday the 13th.  I’m sure some of you out there are thinking, “oh, that explains a lot,” am I right?

You know, October is my favorite month. I love Halloween, and wish my living situation allowed for some outdoor decorating.  Alas, I would be the only one to see it, since my porch doesn’t face the street.  I was cleaning out my sock drawer yesterday and discovered I have twelve pairs of Halloween socks!

I also celebrate Samhain, the Pagan celebration for the end of summer, the final harvest of the year.

But I’m rambling.  That happens when you’re working on 3 hours of sleep.  I actually came here to let you all know that In Gathering Shade is now 100% good to go, both paperback and kindle.

I plan on doing a giveaway, but probably not until November.  I’m crazy busy the next few weeks and I need to get a shipment of books to have on hand.  I’ll even include both In Gathering Shade and Through Shade and Shadow (with it’s new glorious cover art).  And maybe I’ll throw in a few other goodies too.

The coffee pot is calling me now, so I’ll leave it here.  Drop a note in the comments to say hi or ask a question. I love to hear from people.

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early morning coffee

Lately, the pain from this pinched nerve gets me up and out of bed around 3am every morning.  Today it’s the tightness in my shoulder muscles and my forearm muscles.  Some mornings it’s the searing, stabbing pain in my neck and shoulder joint.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s much better than it was a week ago.

I’ll wake up, possibly needing to go to the bathroom around 1 or 2 am.  I’ll shift around, take the middle of the night pain pills, then toss and turn and doze a bit until I give up because I just can’t get comfortable.  That’s almost always right around 3am.

I get up, get the cats their morning treats and start a pot of coffee.  Then I sit and play silly Facebook games with my left hand working the mouse while I let gravity help loosen up my right arm.  Usually by the end of the first pot of coffee, I’m mostly functional, though typing isn’t usually on the agenda this early.

Because I’m on limited duty for work, and am largely working from home, this means I have a little time to kill before I start my work day.  Yesterday that meant working on my short story for the second anthology, and that’s probably what I’ll do today too.  Either that or I work on the third book in the Shades and Shadows series.

Speaking of which, have you gone to get your copy of In Gathering Shade yet?  The kindle version is available now.  Paperbacks coming soon!

You can also get Through Shade and Shadow and In Gathering Shade together as a bundle on Kindle.

books Wallpaper

Once you’ve read them, I’d really appreciate a review.  It only takes a minute.  You don’t have to say much.  I really hate how much we rely on them to get our books into recommendations, but we do.

I’m putting together a giveaway package that I’ll probably award in December.  It will include autographed copies of both books in the series, as well as some fun things you’re going to love, so stay tuned!

On that note, my coffee cup needs refilling and my arm needs a rest.  Happy Tuesday, Readers!