Category: Author’s Notes

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are we there yet?

June is Pride month. This will be my third year not participating in SF Pride, the first two because of the pandemic, and this year because I wasn’t invited back…and moved out of the bay area. There’s a part of me that misses it, but the agoraphobe in me does not.

I once thought we were making so much progress in the area of equal rights, but the last few years have proven me wrong. We’re sliding inexorably backward. Our rights are under constant attack. Our young people feel threatened. Hate crime continues to be a problem, and in some areas, it is a worsening problem.

People are still being killed just because of what is or is not in their pants or how they dress/present themselves to the world.

People ask why we still need Pride.

Well, we need Pride for the 8-year-old who knows she’s a girl but was born with a penis whose parents will not acknowledge her gender. We need pride for the gay teenager who really wants to take his boyfriend to prom but is afraid they will get beaten up. We need Pride for the shy lesbian teens on their first date who are afraid to hold hands. We need Pride for the teacher who won’t put a picture on her desk of her family, because she might lose her job if people knew that her spouse was a wife and not a husband.

Have we come a long way since the fifties? Sure, but our progress has not just stalled, it has started to slide backward in a lot of ways and there is still such a long, long way to go.

We are not done. The fight is not over. Stay strong, my friends, and battle on.

Happy Monday, and Happy Pride, Readers. May this week bring you a multitude of blessings.

Photo by Jiroe (Matia Rengel) on Unsplash

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rebellions are built on hope

Star Wars Celebration 2022 is now in the rear view mirror and I’ve had a few days to reflect on the experience.

For starters, I’m glad I went. Despite the terror, I had a great time. I got to meet a couple of authors I admire, got a tattoo, got to meet Ewan McGregor and Billy Lourd.

Me and Ewan McGregor

We saw lots of great costumes, spent too much money, got to participate in a lightsaber meetup or two (with a Santa Jedi!!), and took some awesome photos.

There were fireworks over Galaxy’s Edge, rides on the Rise of the Resistance and Smuggler’s Run, and drinks at Oga’s Cantina.

There were a few panic attacks, but most of the folks around me were awesome. As expected, the ADA access stuff was a total shit show the first day, but by midday Friday they seemed to have it sorted, aside from the whole lack of seating available for those of us who find standing for long periods difficult.

By the end of each day I was exhausted and in a ridiculous amount of pain, but I survived and had an amazing time. To cap the joy of the weekend, I took my brother and niece to see Steve Carlson play at the Hotel Cafe in Hollywood on Saturday night. It was a joy!

I’m still processing pictures from that show, and I took hardly any on the big camera at Celebration. Mostly I just used my phone for that.

Anyway, it’s back to the real world now. The day job is calling my name. I hope your week is/has been fantastic, Readers. I’m off to my coffee and some documents that want my attention.

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prepping for a convention when you’re agoraphobic

So, Star Wars Celebration. We leave after midnight on Wednesday to drive down to LA. To say that my anxiety is off the charts is an understatement.

The last few days in Rockaway Beach, and the few days off between that and leaving have been helpful, but as we get closer, my anxiety climbs.

One of my coping mechanisms is to make sure that I can control all the things that can be controlled. This means many different things: lots of lists for making sure I don’t forget anything, planning routes (even though google maps is my copilot), knowing as much info as possible, etc.

It also means ensuring that I have the things on hand I need to cope: Xanax (hopefully, getting a new prescription since I moved has been work), having my camera with enough battery/memory cards for the time I’ll be there, etc. I plan on requesting ADA support so I can have access to the quiet rooms if needed, and to cut down on the number of people I need to stand in line with for things.

I will also have my brother and his oldest (adult) child with me, who both have never been to anything like this before, so I’ll have caring duties to attend, which always lets me get outside my own head.

Don’t get me wrong, I am SO excited for this, despite the fact that I have never attempted so huge a convention before. It’s just that running right along that excitement is absolute terror. I have probably thought about every possible thing that could go wrong…and invented a hundred more.

So here, let me share some pics from my time at the ocean last week.

Rockaway Beach, Oregon

Rockaway Beach, Oregon

Anyway, I’ll have a full report for you when I get back, Readers. Stay safe and sane and kind.

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road trip

It’s twelve thirty in the morning. I’m waiting for second coffee to finish brewing so I can fill my travel mug and head out on the first road trip since the before times. The cats have food and water and clean litter boxes. The house is mostly clean. Mom is coming to watch the kitties.

Once the coffee is ready, I’ll run through my checklist one more time, shut off the computer, start the dishwasher and finish putting stuff in the car. I should be on the road by 1:30 ~ish, which should put me at my destination around noon.

I went to bed around 6pm to prep for this, and despite being super tired, my sleep was a bit crappy. I slept best early on, but then I was awake at least once an hour after 8pm. Finally gave up at a little after 11 because all I was doing was worrying about stupid stuff and stressing myself out.

I have the next two weeks off of work. A few days in Oregon with my girls, a few days at home to relax, then Star Wars Celebration. My low mileage insurance is going to go bonkers! LOL. Next month’s insurance bill is going to suck.

So, I hope you have a wonderful couple of weeks and get to take some time just for yourself, Readers.

I’m off to pour some coffee and get things moving.

Photo by Leio McLaren on Unsplash

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let us chill

This is the first of two short weeks for me on the day job. This week, I’m driving up to the Oregon coast to hang out with friends I haven’t seen in 3 years or more. I anticipate a lot of talking, a lot of laughing and a lot of relaxing.

I’m only taking my tablet for keeping up with the world outside, mostly because I’m awaiting some edits from an editor that I’d like to see as soon as they come in. I’m likely bringing a book or two since I’m an early riser and a nice quiet cup of coffee with a book is appealing to me.

The following weekend will not be as quiet or relaxing, as I head to Anaheim for Star Wars Celebration. I am absolutely terrified for multiple reasons, not the least of which is my agoraphobia. I’ve never attempted such a big convention before. I’m going with my brother and his oldest kid (who is not a kid anymore) so I have assistance and also care taking to do (as kid also has crowd issues) which helps me cope. Then there’s the whole pandemic thing. I haven’t been in a crowd more than five people since this whole thing started.

There’s going to be thousands.

We also have Disney After Dark tickets for that Friday night and tickets to see a friend at a music venue in Hollywood that Saturday night, so…it’s going to be a long, stressful, but awesome weekend. There is a lot I’m looking forward to! And costumes! I do love getting to dress up!

Needless to say, these activities will cut into some of the stuff I do on the regular, like posting my Word of the Day and other such fun, but I’m sure I’ll come home with tales to tell.

I hope the weekend has treated you with kindness, Readers! I’m off to finish my coffee and start my packing.

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the blood witch cometh

This morning, I signed the contract for the first book in the Blood Witch saga with my publisher. This means that Thána and friends will be coming your way before the year is out. As always, I’ll be looking for advance readers who would like to read and review the book.

I spent a good chunk of the weekend going over and polishing up book 2 and will be doing the same with book 3 soon. And then, I get to return to book 4.

I hope, as we grow closer to a release to tease with some character introductions, as I’ve done in the past. In the first book that will be Thána and her transgender incubus friend Cambious as the two primary characters. I may do a few shorts on some of the intriguing side characters as well.

Also on my immediate horizon is Star Wars Celebration in Anaheim. I’m absolutely terrified, but also excited. I scored a photo/auto op with Ewan MacGregor! But terrified. Thankfully, they seem to have a good ADA set up with quiet rooms and the like and I should be able to get both me and the nibling ADA access, giving my brother carer access, so that should make things easier.

On that note, my coffee is almost gone, my cats are yelling at me for treats, and the day job awaits, so I’m off into the Tuesday. I hope it is good for you, Readers!

Photo by MaddiesCreation on Unsplash

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the dark side slump

I’ve been meaning to write for days, weeks even. My muse seems to have fled the building, taking all of my creativity and such with her, so it’s been a dry month or so. I managed to mostly do a poem a day for April, only missing a couple of days due to either migraines or other impairment.

I celebrated Star Wars Day yesterday and I’m starting to get excited/anxious about Celebration at the end of the month. Between here and there I have a lot of work and such. I continue to love my day job and working from home continues to be the best thing ever.

I have taken up a new creative hobby in acrylic paint pouring. I’m decorating my house, one abstract masterpiece at a time! It is, however, incredibly addictive and I’m running out of wall space! I’m sure I’ll find someone to gift/sell them to.

I have a lot of thoughts about the current political situation, but I’ll save those for another day.

For this Sith Holy Day (Revenge of the 5th), I have some Death Wish Coffee in my Death Wish Coffee cup, a ton of work meetings on tap, and a kitty who thinks I should play hooky and snuggle her.

I hope you are all safe and sane (ish) and wish you good coffee and tasty foods.

Photo by TOMMY VAN KESSEL on Unsplash

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first contact

It’s no secret that Star Trek was my first fandom. I have fond, if disjointed, memories of sitting on that ugly brown coach with my Dad watching that first incarnation of Kirk and Spock and Bones.

I remember when I first learned they were making The Next Generation. I was sure it was a huge mistake. Star Trek: TOS held such a high place in my memory that I could not conceive that any “remake” would be a good thing.

We were living in El Paso, Texas when TNG premiered, and that first episode didn’t fill me with the love I would come to have for that crew.

Over the next few years, TNG became as big a part of my life as TOS was when I was little. And then came Star Trek: First Contact. We didn’t know at the time that Star Trek would become what it has today, we didn’t know then that millions of people would begin to mark April 5 as First Contact Day.

We didn’t know we’d find ourselves in a timeline where we have so much Trek content to consume, that we’d get Picard back so many years after TNG ended, or that we’d get Discovery or Strange New Worlds. We didn’t know that Wil Wheaton would become such a beloved nerd and host of The Ready Room.

I for one Trekker am quite pleased with this part of our timeline. Not so much the ongoing proof that we are in no way ready for first contact, nor does it look like we’ll be prepared by 2063, when the Vulcans are supposed to arrive.

I’d hoped we would have learned a few lessons by now. I guess we’re still learning.

Happy First Contact Day, Readers. May you live up to the expectations of the Federation.

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walking because it’s good for me

I used to walk a lot, largely because my day included a half-mile walk from my house to the train, and from the train to the office, plus I’d aim for a mile or two at lunch. Most days I averaged a sum total of around five miles in a day.

Then, along came the pandemic.

Like so many others, exercise became problematic for me. Sure, I could still go out for walks, but in the early days, when we weren’t sure exactly how this thing was transmitted, I had no desire to accidentally have to be near people who could have this thing and not know it.

After a while, it just became easier to just stay home. I got lazy.

I’ll admit that when contemplating the move out here to Stockton, I worried that the trend would continue, because I had no idea what the neighborhoods around me were like, so I didn’t know how safe I’d be walking.

I have walked every day for the last 9 days, starting off at just over a mile and working up to the last three days which have averaged 3 miles. Somedays I take a planned out route. Somedays I play a game of “where does this road go” which, I will admit, has gotten me into trouble in the past as I’ve either gotten a bit lost, or ended up on a road that didn’t connect back to where I started without turning around.

Yesterday I played the game and was rewarded with a very lovely walk in the not-quite-daylight and this beautiful sunrise.

For me, walking is a time when I can be in my body, in my own head, without the interference of the day’s agenda and all of the things I need to do. Sometimes I’m composing poetry. Sometimes world building. Sometimes I’m just remembering things and people and places.

And yes, sometimes I’m just thinking about putting one foot in front of the other to get back home.

The day is always waiting for me when I get back, with work to be done and such. Today’s walk needs to start a bit earlier than it has been, as I have meetings starting at 7:30 am. I am currently drinking coffee and thinking about today’s walk. Where will the adventure lead? I may take the reverse course I did yesterday, or I may divert around a park I spotted yesterday. I won’t know until my feet hit the road.

I hope your day includes many wonderful adventures, Readers. May the Friday be with you.

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therapy in words

When I was in my teens, I wrote poetry daily. Granted, most of it sucked. I was a very different person back then and my exposure to the world was limited to small-town upstate New York and my very religious mind-frame. But, that isn’t the point. The point was in the joy of just writing whatever came to mind.

A good chunk of what I wrote was steeped in the far-right, evangelical Christianity that I was saturated with at the time, but one of the things I learned then was that I could spew my darker emotions, my darkest views of the world, into my poetry as a means of processing those things without poisoning who I was.

It is a lesson I have carried on into my adulthood. A lot of folks who read my poetry ask me about it, about how my poetry doesn’t seem to reflect the person they think of me as. Often it is because poetry is my therapy. And it remains so today.

Sure, I can be fun or silly, or sultry in my poetry as well. But, I think it’s in my darker work that I shine the most, if that makes sense. I pour a lot of who I am into my words and I can spend a long time working over the words I choose to express myself…but sometimes a poem simply falls onto a page and there is no work, only emotion.

That’s why I consider it my therapy, and since going back to writing at least one poem everyday, I’m finding myself on better footing mentally. It feels really good.

Anyway, it’s Friday and payday here in my world, so I’m off to pay bills before starting the day job. I hope this weekend treats you well, Readers, with good food, better coffee and a bit of poetry to decorate your world.

Photo by Álvaro Serrano on Unsplash