Tag: observations

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a storm’s a blowin’

I was startled awake at four AM this morning by gusty winds outside my bedroom window.  I had been aware that we were expecting a significant storm, but the reality of it was a bit jarring as I was waking up from some scattered dream that I think was about getting arrested.

My dream life can be a bit spectacular, in part due to one of the medications that I’m on for my back pain.  Toss in the pain from my recent surgery and the storm, it’s little wonder I found myself awake so early.

My bariatric surgery was Tuesday.  I came home from the hospital on Wednesday, and I’ve been convalescing at home since then, learning all of the adjustments I have to make to how I do things…like it’s a waste to make a whole pot of coffee, when it takes me nearly an hour to drink one cup!  I am, in fact, enjoying my first cup of (decaf) coffee since the surgery as I am writing this.

Most of the swelling has gone down now, but my stomach looks like someone used it for target practice…someone who wasn’t very good at targets, LOL.  They made seven total incisions, the biggest one is just over an inch long.

My first full day home was the worst for the pain, and I slept most of it off in a haze of pain medication.  Since then, each day has gotten better.  I anticipate that by the time I see my surgeon for my follow up, I should be ready to get back to my normal routine.  Until then, I will be working from home so that I can rest when I need to and such.

So, here I sit, sipping my coffee and listening to the wind and the rain outside, contemplating what shape today’s writing will take.  I hope your Saturday is filled with joy, Readers.

 

Photo by Bryan Minear on Unsplash

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stuck in the middle with you

Ever feel like your just stuck in a rut?  Or just stuck, minus the rut?  I’ve been feeling that a lot lately.  Like my life has become this endless routine, and I’m trapped inside it by all of my anxieties and even by my own nature.

It doesn’t help that my day job can get a bit cyclical feeling.  And money’s been tight, so I can’t really break up the monotony with a day out or a weekend away.  And with my diet as curtailed as it is at the moment, and in reality for the next six months or so will likely be, it makes going out with friends more difficult than it usually is.

It isn’t even like I don’t have enough to do right here at home.  Knowing I am going to be recovering from surgery, I’m attempting to get my house as straightened up as I can, to make things easier.  I have plenty to do.

Sometimes, when I start to feel this way, I start to think about ways my life could have been different…if I’d decided to get married or have kids…taken a more traditional route with my life.  And I won’t lie, it’s been on my mind with the surgery coming up and with having helped my mother clean up the detritus of her husband’s life last year…what am I leaving behind?  Who is going to be there when it’s over to clean up whatever I leave, inherit whatever is left?

But really, when I think about it, I have no regrets.  I’ve lived a life I can be proud of, and I am very happy with it.  If this is the middle part of my life, I can only hope that whatever comes next will bring joy and peace and the sense of fulfillment that life up to fifty has enjoyed.

Happy Saturday, Readers!

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downhill slide

My focus the last week or so has been on my upcoming surgery, which means not much writing gets done.  I still try to take at least fifteen minutes to write every day, even if it is a half a poem or the sketch of a story idea.

Every word is a struggle right now, however.  Nothing is moving easily and I’m second guessing myself left, right and center.  I think some of this is likely due to the absolutely horrific state of my office right now.  My office doubles as the spare bedroom, craft room and storage space, and in recent months I’ve all but emptied the closet while looking for things, without putting stuff back into the closet.

The rest of the house is clean, so this weekend, my focus will be on getting the office in shape so that I can write without the clutter.

I expect that the writing will also flow easier after the surgery is over.  I’m not nervous really, though I’m anxious to get it over with now that the decision is made and all of the precursors have been met.

Between here and there stands four days of work (including today) and a weekend of cleaning and laundry.  It’s all downhill from there!

 

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kindness matters

The guiding principle that I follow is simple: Kindness Matters.

From the tiny gestures like holding the elevator for someone, or a smile in passing to the bigger gestures like buying coffee or lunch for someone to the grandiose gestures, like paying off someone’s debt or buying someone a car…it all matters.

I try to infuse my life with that kindness, to live each and every day thinking about kindness first.  I started to think this way years and years ago, and with each passing day I get better at it.

I still have unkind thoughts, that’s just human, but when I do, I stop myself and think about what is driving that thought.  Usually, it isn’t because of anything someone else has said or done.  Nearly always it is because I am being cranky.  I generally treat it by doing something kind for someone else.

Funny thing is, it works.

I am a happier person in general since I adopted this notion, since I brought kindness first into my life.  I can’t pay off anyone debts (including my own) in a grand sweeping notion, but I can buy the homeless guy trying to stay dry and warm in the nearly endless rain we’re experiencing now a cup of coffee and a breakfast sandwich.  I’m not buying anyone a car anytime soon, but I can knit or crochet hats and scarves for people on the street.  I can bake cookies to take to work to share, even though I can’t have any.  I can hold the elevator door for the mother with two toddlers and a stroller and a diaper bag and briefcase on her way to the daycare on the 2nd floor.

I can also accept people for who they present themselves to be, faults and flaws and all, and love them for who they are.  I can offer the people around me the permission to be themselves, wholly and completely simply by being myself wholly and completely.  This is why I generally have no filter.

I am not ashamed of who I am:  Fat, 50, geeky, kinky, dorky, thinky, cis-gendered female (with all that implies…boobs, periods, mood swings, hot flashes, etc), agoraphobic, socially awkward.  I don’t hide much, I don’t keep much private, even though others think I should.

It’s a kindness I give to the world around me in the hope that one day we will stop being ashamed of things in which there should be no shame.  There’s enough pain and shame and blame and misery in this world.  No need to invent more.

So, on this rainy Wednesday, give yourself permission to be you, and remember that kindness really does matter.  It can change lives.  It changed mine.

 

 

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shades and shadows

I spent a lot of hours in the world of Shades and Shadows as I was writing and editing it.  It isn’t a comfortable world, and over the years, the story moved and changed, things got edited out that I once loved because they just didn’t fit the story any more, and everything morphed as the ending became clearer.

It isn’t hard right now to see an America divided against itself, two extremes set against one another.  Meanwhile, the middle gets trampled.  It’s easy to prey on fear.  It’s easy to rile up anger.  And truth gets lost in the rhetoric and vitriol.

Conflict builds, momentum grows and the conclusion comes crashing down in Where Shadows Fall, which is available for FREE right now for your Kindle! Just click here.

You can also enter to win a copy of all three books for your Kindle by clicking here.

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the last stand

I haven’t really talked enough about Where Shadows Fall. I struggled a bit with getting this book done, maybe in part because I knew it would be the end of my living in that world, at least for a while.

The grand finale takes place in Washington D.C., which I think was rather inevitable, given what we know about the man pulling the strings.  I didn’t set out to have a meglomanical bad guy.  In the beginning he was just a guy who believed that Others were evil.  Clearly, I maintained some of that in the overall story however.

To me there is nothing as frightening as a person who believes without doubt, someone who fears that other for no concrete reason but because they have been told to believe. They can’t be reasoned with. No argument will penetrate the protective barrier of that belief mixed with fear and hate.

I always thought that it came from religion, from man’s need to control mankind’s access to gods and the power that came with that.  However, as we can see in America today, it doesn’t have to come from within religion.  It need only wrap itself in the cloth that resembles religion to draw people in.

I find that terrifying.  Maybe that’s why the 8th Battalion became one of the big bads in these books.  It certainly drives the character of Colonel Shallon.  Blind belief is a dangerous weapon.

That is where my thoughts are today, Readers.  I hope yours are more pleasant on this cold, January Saturday.

 

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welcome to the future

It’s an odd thing, really.  By which I mean time and our visions of the future.  We’ve arrived at the year 2019, which past us predicted would be in varying degrees of dystopian decay, with technology that we haven’t quite realized.

We may be well on our way to dystopian entropy, given our current political, social and economical situation, but our cars don’t fly yet, at least not at the common man level (I’ve seen the prototype, but it’s a far cry from being affordable or even legal)…which I suppose is good, considering the terror it could cause.

I’ve been feeling pretty ho-hum about things since Christmas.  My idea of New Year’s eve, was a Star Trek:Voyager marathon that ended around eleven.  I’ve never been a big resolution maker, because I realized young that most of us just make some big proclamation about big changes that we’re are never actually going to follow through on without any plan for how to accomplish them.

That said, however, I am resolving to work on two specific goals this year, and I already have plans in place for how to accomplish them.  I probably won’t really be discussing them, but they are health and finances.

Today is my first day back in the office, like many other Americans, I assume.  I like first days, they feel like a fresh start.  My goal for the next three days is to finish up a few unfinished projects from last year so that next week I can begin new things.  I also hope to get at least three hundred words written every day, whether on the current project or something else.  My daily writing has been slacking lately.

I guess I should get myself busy with that.  I have a mile long list of emails to respond to this morning, so I’m off to the day job.

Happy New Year, Readers!  Welcome to the future!

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taking a sick day

I had writing plans for this weekend, but I seem to have caught the cold that’s been going around, so I am going to call it a sick day and not beat myself up over it.

I think it might be a good day for my couch, my blankets and pillows and whatever movies I can find to entertain me on Netflix.

Sometimes a sick day is good for the writer’s brain.  We can step back and hopefully when we return, we are ready for action again.  At least that’s what I’m hoping.  I have a full religious liturgy to create!

Whatever you’re up to today, I hope you make room for some rest as well.  And, if you’re in the area, some chicken soup would be nice.

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the day after

When the chaos and uproar of opening presents is done, and the floor looks like a tornado came through and dropped colorful debris over everything, there’s a kind of quiet that settles in.  Everyone is caught up in playing with new toys and trying on new clothes, setting up new tech and even the animals have worn themselves out.

And my family is all grown adults (for some valued of adult anyway)!

Still, I think that’s some of my favorite time on Christmas day.  Before we’ve gotten up to start the clean up, while we’re still sharing our presents with family…it’s a kind of happiness that only comes there, in the family time, where we can be geeks and dorks and excited about things that make us happy.

Of course, then comes the clean up and the shift to getting Christmas dinner on the table.  Sure, we keep playing as the day goes on, maybe even break out the board games, which leads to a whole different kind of family time.  You haven’t lived until you’ve played Cards Against Humanity with your 70 year old mother and internet-raised nieces!

But, like all other good things, the time comes when the day must end and family scatters…though at this point, I’m the only one not living under that roof, and then comes the long drive home.  And the day after…

It’s a bit of a let down, I guess, for the day after.  All the waiting and anticipating and chaos is done and somehow, you’re expected to re-enter the working world as if none of it happened at all.

 

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shining lights and quiet nights

We’re less than a week out from Christmas, which hardly seems possible.  I think I maybe finally found the knack of not going overboard on spending for my family this year.  I’m a gifter.  I like to give gifts.

For a lot of people, this time of year can be difficult.  The days are short. The nights are long.  We try to compensate with lights.  We put them on our trees, we put them on our house.  For me, it’s candles.  I love to fill my living room with candles during the holiday season.

It’s a form of what we call “sympathetic magic,” the act of calling something to you by imitation.  What we’re longing for is the sun, so we light our lives up with artificial light to tempt it to return.

The only thing I like better than candles lit against the cold dark of winter, is the cold dark of winter itself.  The winter solstice is Friday, the day of the longest night.  Every day after that the days will grow slowly longer and the wheel will turn, spring will come.  There will be candles in the early evening, but before I go to bed, I will put them all out and spend some time alone in that quiet that only comes in the dark.

It’s a good time to do a self-inventory, to judge your progress against goals, to adjust your attitude toward yourself and others.  Preparation, for you to return with the sun and ready yourself for the growth to come.

At least, that’s my solstice tradition.  Followed on Christmas with family time, food and gift giving.  I hope that however you celebrate, and whatever you celebrate, that this season of good will finds you happy, healthy and hopeful, Readers.

I am more grateful for all of you than you will ever know.