Category: Life and Other Fun

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tripping down memory lane

Memories are odd things sometimes. A smell can transport us back in time. A repetitive motion can take us to another time. A taste can make us feel like we’re back in our mother’s kitchen.

Sometimes it’s just a flash, a sort of deja vu if you will. Other times it seems like you can just steep in the replay of the moment.

Last night something on TV started a landslide of memories from childhood, memories that infiltrated my dreams last night. Of course, being dreams they were weird and all out of order and mixed in with things from what I’d been watching and normal (for me) dream stuff.

I’ll never understand why the subconscious makes the choices it does when populating the dreamscape. Why is my brother like 8 in my dream, but I’m an adult? Why am I a kid on the playground and so is my mother? Why am I suddenly dreaming about people I haven’t thought about in years?

Last night included memories of my first long-term boyfriend, who I haven’t even thought about in a long time. He was my boyfriend my senior year of high school, for a flavor of boyfriend. We didn’t really “date” other than youth group outings and sitting by each other in church.

I woke up thinking I could smell the cheap cologne he used to wear.

We lost touch a long time ago. He joined the Marines and moved away, then we moved out of NY. I drifted away from the faith that had brought us together (we met in youth group), and moved on into creating the life I have now. I can’t imagine how different my life would have been if we had stayed together.

Now that I’ve taken a trip down memory lane, it’s time for more coffee and the day job. I hope your Wednesday is filled with kindness and wonder, Readers.

Photo by Laura Fuhrman on Unsplash

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the art of the heart

How does one sum up a weekend like this one? Every time I try, my mind fills with a kaleidoscope of images that cover a spectrum of beautiful faces, bright colors, book covers, poetry and prose, rainbow hair and amazing costumes.

It seems strange to me that I haven’t always known these people, that it has only been 5 years since my first Sirens conference.

Every year I am able to come to Sirens, I learn new things and I meet new friends. Inspiration abounds, whether it comes in the form of one of the panels / papers, or in a conversation with friends, or one of the Guest of Honor speeches.

So many artists, with so many kinds of arts! Not just writers…we have people who paint and draw and crochet and knit and cross stitch (and other fiber arts). This is most evident on Saturday night at the Sirens Ball, where participants are encouraged to dress for the theme, and the silent auction tables are filled with amazing prints, jewelry, wood working, clothing, scarves and more.

I have a good amount of imposter syndrome when I walk in (and at other times), but it usually melts with the first hug from a fellow author who’s work I adore. This year I forced myself out of my agoraphobic paralysis and actually had conversations with our Guests of Honor (and they were all lovely).

There is beauty in a place that not only accepts you for who you are, but embraces you for it, where you are free to be entirely and unapologetically yourself. Where your beauty is not defined by the size of your body or the shape of your face…where we paint the landscape around us with the art of our hearts and revel in our resistance to the mundane.

But all good things must end, and I have already dropped folks at the airport, checked out of the hotel and am waiting for it to be time to drop my luggage. Then, I will find a place where I can plug in my charger and do some writing/editing.

Tomorrow we go back to the daily grind, and the beautiful land we created from our imaginations will fade slowly back into just a memory that we can pull out when we need to be reminded that we are wonder and joy and fierce.

Until next year, Sirens…I will keep you in my heart until we meet again.

Photo by Tim Marshall on Unsplash

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the journey begins

It’s early morning at Sirens. My roommates are all sleeping. So is the sun. In a little bit I will get dressed and go looking for coffee. But right now it’s just me and my computer and my thoughts.

There is a lot of emotional baggage confined into the space of a weekend.

There is joy at seeing friends after so long apart. There is anxiety over COVID. There is sadness and grief for those who have died. There is anticipation for panels and workshops and finding new books and new authors and new friends.

It’s a lot to process.

Last night’s key note by one of the guests of honor was wonderful, looking at villainy and redemption and how different they look because of a character’s gender. She used several examples, including Maleficent and Cruella and the Joker.

It’s not something I’ve ever really considered, really. How we accept a redemption arc for man as a victory, and yet for a woman it’s about her submission to the societal norms. How recent attempts at redemption for Maleficent and Cruella didn’t so much try to redeem them into say a heroine, but instead offer us a backstory meant to soften our understanding of them as the villain of the piece.

Suddenly, seeing Maleficent as a child, and how she was wronged, we’re meant to empathize and understand what we previously saw as villainous behavior.

I think this weekend will stire up a lot of very thinky thoughts, Readers!

I hope yours is filled with kindness and revelations. Now, bring me my coffee!!!

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how an introverted agoraphobe travels

I am nearly completely packed up for my weekend trip to Denver, just need to stick my journal and a pen in the backpack, and double check my electronics. I’ve checked into the hotel. I will be checking into my flight in about 20 minutes. I have a full work day ahead of me.

This is probably the least anxious moment in my travel. Until I achieve all of the check-ins, I’m a ball of anxiety fretting about what will go wrong. But, now is the calm of knowing I have the plans in place, and with that, knowing I can go with the flow.

Tomorrow will kickstart the actual travel anxiety: What if I don’t get to the airport on time? What if I miss my train? Miss my flight? What if the plane has a problem? What if there are anti-maskers on the plane? What if someone with COVID coughs in my face? What if…etc. Oh, and my brain can manufacture the most outrageous scenarios to worry over. It’s kind of ridiculous, really.

Then, once in Denver, there’s the “What if I can’t find my friends in the airport?” and “What if we can’t find the hotel?” (which is silly because GPS and we’ve been there before), etc.

But! Once we’ve gotten to the hotel, gotten into our room and found the conference registration? Then it’s a weekend of mostly relaxation. Sure, there will be moments of panic/fear/needing to hide. There always is. And when I come home on Sunday, there will be a few days of hiding and recharging.

I control what I can so that I can let go of what is outside my control. My flight, my car, my hotel.

Oh, and double checking that the Death Wish Instant coffee is in my suitcase. I do need my coffee, you know.

I should get to that day job thing. And maybe second coffee.

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zero drafts and idle hands

Yesterday I completed the zero draft for the third Blood Witch book. This is a pretty huge accomplishment, even if there is still a lot of work to do. This means I have all three in some state of “done” and it’s time to run back to the beginning with my notes of all the changes that need to be made in books one and two.

Of the three of these, I think the middle book came the easiest and there were a lot of times struggling through book three felt like I was trying to push my way through frozen molasses.

Book one is the most complete and polished. Three is the least.

I guess this is what comes of trying to write during the apocalypse. I am glad I didn’t push out book one when I thought it was done, because some of the changes and tweaks I need to make to better set up two and three will also make book one better.

I’ve settled on tentative titles, but realize that a publisher may suggest changes.

So where does that leave me, here on a Monday morning before the dawn? To be honest, I’m running through my packing list for Sirens in my head (still need to do meds/makeup/toiletries/electronics). I’d like to say I’m not going to poke any of the three books until after Sirens, but I won’t promise. After all, I can’t seem to sleep past 5am these days, and I need something to do with my hands.

But that does remind me that it’s Monday, and I have to stop working early to go get a COVID test, so it must be time to suck down some Death Wish Coffee, put on my tech writing cape and crown and get to it.

Have a wonderful Monday, Readers! Treat yourself with kindness and love.

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travel in the time of COVID

One week from today, I will be in Denver, CO for a convention unlike most others I have ever attended. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t anxious about the travel and the collection of people in small rooms. Sure, I’ll double mask on the plane and the con has good COVID practices in place (everyone must be vaxxed and have a negative COVID test for starters), but my only experience with “crowds” was in August this year, and there were only twelve of us.

I considered not going. Several times. However, Sirens is a place that feeds my soul, and if I’m honest, my soul has been sorely in need of feeding.

Sirens is a place where we get to explore the world of speculative fiction (sci-fi, horror, fantasy, etc) through the lens of voices that are not considered “traditional” in that space. By which, I mean: women, BIPOC, LGBTQ+, etc. (Reminder that this year’s anthology, “Villains and Vengeance” is available now!)

It’s part reader’s conference, part writer’s retreat and part networking weekend. This will be my third time at Sirens.

Of course my COVID anxiety is only just part of my anxiety, because there is also the uncertainty of travel, particularly since I am flying Southwest, and my agoraphobia, which has only gotten worse since the start of COVID. I have the advantage of a) flying an airline I know well, out of airports I know well; b) the con hotel is also familiar; c) FRIENDS.

I think having friends who know/understand my *stuff* is my biggest coping mechanism. It provides a safe space when there is no safe space. I anticipate a need for a lot of hermiting time when I get back.

For now, though, Readers, I have a few hours before I have to start the day job and my coffee is fresh and hot. I think that means it’s time to write. Happy Friday!

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national coming out day

Today is October eleventh and has been designated National Coming Out Day, a day to celebrate the diversity of life and the idea that we are all welcome in the world.

Of course, there are still many, many places in the world, and even here in the good ole USofA, where being open about who and how you love is not a safe thing to do. Far too many.

I have a lot of friends in the LGBTQ+ community who have been bullied, thrown out of their homes, lost their children in custody battles, or worse. We need only look at the numbers of transgender murder victims to know that it isn’t always safe.

I have been noticing just recently how many of the TV shows I watch have incorporated LGBTQ+ characters as “normal” characters. They’re not there to be the victim or the perpetrator, they are actual integral parts of the story. Notable for me of late are Leverage Redemption, who has a young lesbian of color and also has several story lines with gay people involved, Law and Order SVU, who had a young detective who was a lesbian and Law and Order Organized Crime, which has a police sergeant who is a married lesbian.

This is our way forward. We need to be seen as a part of the whole. We need to be visible in ways that extend beyond pride parades.

One day, I hope we no longer need a National Coming Out Day. I hope that we can just be who we are without needing to justify ourselves or protect ourselves from those that would deny us our rights.

In the meantime, I’m Natalie and I am bi/pansexual (I haven’t decided between the terms, but lean toward pan).

And you are loved.

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Yesterday, while cleaning, I found my box of Halloween decorations that I’d forgotten I even have. Orange and purple lights, two black light bulbs, caution tape. I haven’t lived anywhere that I could really decorate outside for a very long time.

My current home doesn’t face the street either, but I miss setting up decorations. I don’t really get trick or treaters, but I’m thinking I will dress up the porch anyway.

I no longer have the dummy heads that I made all those years ago, so I need something for my witch. I may swing by the Spirit store when I go for my walk to see if they have something I can use. I need a little joy these days.

The company I work for is having a contest for costumes and for decor, so maybe I ‘ll get bragging rights.

While I dig for the right clothes for my witch, I will also be digging out the clothes that I need to pack for Sirens, which is now less than two weeks away.

I will be adding to my “members only” story over on Ko-fi this week, the first part is up and open to all. For only $1 / month, you can get access to the story as it goes along.

My coffee cup appears to be empty and writing time awaits. Have an amazing Sunday, Readers!

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planting bulbs of growth

With the approach of Samhain, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want out of the coming year. The last two years have been among the most difficult in my memory, or at least that’s the way they feel to me right now. I know we tend to romanticize the past which casts today in the role of being more real, but really, look at what we’ve lived through in recent years.

So, what do I want?

There are the things I always want: to get out of debt, to lose weight, to become a best selling author…but for me, for this year, I want to address things that are tangible, that are attainable.

I feel I am in a good place as I face into the next rotation around the sun. I’m in a good job with good people doing work that I enjoy. I have what I need and a lot of what I want. What would make life better?

More organization, especially around the house.

Stop procrastinating, especially the little things.

Spend more time with friends, which is necessarily impacted by the pandemic and my own agoraphobia.

Read more. I have a stack of books in my TBR pile that I’ve been meaning to read all year, but I’ve been hampered by the notion that the time spent reading should be spent doing something more productive.

I haven’t nailed down what I’m planting this Samhain, clearly. But I can feel the veil thinning, I can sense the strong strum of a heart that *wants*. Good thing I have a few weeks to figure it all out, I guess.

What are you putting into the fertile soil for the coming year, Readers?

On that note, I need to jump on that day job thing. Have a wonderful Wednesday.

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villains & vengeance & velocity

I’ve been battling migraines and all of their attendant baggage off and on for about two weeks. Only two days were really bad, but the up and down is exhausting.

Today the headache is only mild, but the nausea is yucky and my sinuses are cranky.

This is the start of my fourth week in the new day job, which I am enjoying. It’s a bigger company than my last few, but I get to learn new things, which makes me so very happy.

It is also October! I do love spooky season, which you know if you’ve been around here long (or not so long). I was supposed to be on vacation this week, but we postponed it out until we’re in a better place pandemic wise. My next opportunity for shenanigans is in just over two weeks, when I will be attending the Sirens Conference. I’m anxious, but excited.

I can not wait to see my Sirens family.

In case you didn’t know, I edit the anthology we publish to benefit the con, and this year’s anthology is available in both ebook and paperback. I also have a short story in the book. The profit from each book is donated to the Conference to help fund scholarships and/or defray the costs of putting the conference together. You can get your copy of Villains and Vengeance on Amazon.

We’re into that time of year when I can cuddle into fluffy hoodies and sweats, fuzzy socks and fingerless gloves in the morning, and strip down to shorts and a tank top by the evening…it’s also the time of year where time seems to excelerate.

Sure, this whole year has been something of a blur, but from now through January it always seems to enter warp speed.

And that’s pretty much my brain dump for you today, Readers. I hope the Monday treats you with kindness!