Tag: travel

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there’s no place like home

As an agoraphobe and an introvert, my home is my safe space. These past two years, I have not suffered with loneliness or gone stir crazy from being at home. I have a job I can do from my home. My outings have been a once-a-week trip to the grocery store and once vaccinations came around, the occasional trip to see family.

However, what I have missed is travel.

It might seem paradoxical that an introverted agoraphobe loves to travel, but I do. Road trips with friends to see live music. Long vacations in places I’ve never been. Leisurely sunsets on sandy beaches, watching the sun rise as I sip my coffee in the woods, or on a lake.

My travel has been minimal. I went to Austin in August of this year, and that’s about it. And, with the area in the red zone for COVID that trip had its anxiety.

And to be fair, I wouldn’t be comfortable in a crowded bar or theater for music, nor sitting in a plane for 10 hours to go overseas. A cabin in the woods might be nice. Maybe I’ll look into a cabin in Tahoe in the new year. I can make it a writing vacation…take a week off work, nestle in to a cozy cabin and write.

But first, I’m on the hunt for a new home to make my safe space. This one is starting to feel unwelcoming, for a number of reasons. Later today I’m looking at a place not far from where my family lives in Stockton, CA. If it works out, I’ll be moving in January. I kind of like the idea of starting something new at the start of the year.

It just feels right.

What are your hopes for the coming new year, Readers?

Photo by Eva Darron on Unsplash

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the art of the heart

How does one sum up a weekend like this one? Every time I try, my mind fills with a kaleidoscope of images that cover a spectrum of beautiful faces, bright colors, book covers, poetry and prose, rainbow hair and amazing costumes.

It seems strange to me that I haven’t always known these people, that it has only been 5 years since my first Sirens conference.

Every year I am able to come to Sirens, I learn new things and I meet new friends. Inspiration abounds, whether it comes in the form of one of the panels / papers, or in a conversation with friends, or one of the Guest of Honor speeches.

So many artists, with so many kinds of arts! Not just writers…we have people who paint and draw and crochet and knit and cross stitch (and other fiber arts). This is most evident on Saturday night at the Sirens Ball, where participants are encouraged to dress for the theme, and the silent auction tables are filled with amazing prints, jewelry, wood working, clothing, scarves and more.

I have a good amount of imposter syndrome when I walk in (and at other times), but it usually melts with the first hug from a fellow author who’s work I adore. This year I forced myself out of my agoraphobic paralysis and actually had conversations with our Guests of Honor (and they were all lovely).

There is beauty in a place that not only accepts you for who you are, but embraces you for it, where you are free to be entirely and unapologetically yourself. Where your beauty is not defined by the size of your body or the shape of your face…where we paint the landscape around us with the art of our hearts and revel in our resistance to the mundane.

But all good things must end, and I have already dropped folks at the airport, checked out of the hotel and am waiting for it to be time to drop my luggage. Then, I will find a place where I can plug in my charger and do some writing/editing.

Tomorrow we go back to the daily grind, and the beautiful land we created from our imaginations will fade slowly back into just a memory that we can pull out when we need to be reminded that we are wonder and joy and fierce.

Until next year, Sirens…I will keep you in my heart until we meet again.

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the journey begins

It’s early morning at Sirens. My roommates are all sleeping. So is the sun. In a little bit I will get dressed and go looking for coffee. But right now it’s just me and my computer and my thoughts.

There is a lot of emotional baggage confined into the space of a weekend.

There is joy at seeing friends after so long apart. There is anxiety over COVID. There is sadness and grief for those who have died. There is anticipation for panels and workshops and finding new books and new authors and new friends.

It’s a lot to process.

Last night’s key note by one of the guests of honor was wonderful, looking at villainy and redemption and how different they look because of a character’s gender. She used several examples, including Maleficent and Cruella and the Joker.

It’s not something I’ve ever really considered, really. How we accept a redemption arc for man as a victory, and yet for a woman it’s about her submission to the societal norms. How recent attempts at redemption for Maleficent and Cruella didn’t so much try to redeem them into say a heroine, but instead offer us a backstory meant to soften our understanding of them as the villain of the piece.

Suddenly, seeing Maleficent as a child, and how she was wronged, we’re meant to empathize and understand what we previously saw as villainous behavior.

I think this weekend will stire up a lot of very thinky thoughts, Readers!

I hope yours is filled with kindness and revelations. Now, bring me my coffee!!!

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how an introverted agoraphobe travels

I am nearly completely packed up for my weekend trip to Denver, just need to stick my journal and a pen in the backpack, and double check my electronics. I’ve checked into the hotel. I will be checking into my flight in about 20 minutes. I have a full work day ahead of me.

This is probably the least anxious moment in my travel. Until I achieve all of the check-ins, I’m a ball of anxiety fretting about what will go wrong. But, now is the calm of knowing I have the plans in place, and with that, knowing I can go with the flow.

Tomorrow will kickstart the actual travel anxiety: What if I don’t get to the airport on time? What if I miss my train? Miss my flight? What if the plane has a problem? What if there are anti-maskers on the plane? What if someone with COVID coughs in my face? What if…etc. Oh, and my brain can manufacture the most outrageous scenarios to worry over. It’s kind of ridiculous, really.

Then, once in Denver, there’s the “What if I can’t find my friends in the airport?” and “What if we can’t find the hotel?” (which is silly because GPS and we’ve been there before), etc.

But! Once we’ve gotten to the hotel, gotten into our room and found the conference registration? Then it’s a weekend of mostly relaxation. Sure, there will be moments of panic/fear/needing to hide. There always is. And when I come home on Sunday, there will be a few days of hiding and recharging.

I control what I can so that I can let go of what is outside my control. My flight, my car, my hotel.

Oh, and double checking that the Death Wish Instant coffee is in my suitcase. I do need my coffee, you know.

I should get to that day job thing. And maybe second coffee.

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travel in the time of COVID

One week from today, I will be in Denver, CO for a convention unlike most others I have ever attended. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t anxious about the travel and the collection of people in small rooms. Sure, I’ll double mask on the plane and the con has good COVID practices in place (everyone must be vaxxed and have a negative COVID test for starters), but my only experience with “crowds” was in August this year, and there were only twelve of us.

I considered not going. Several times. However, Sirens is a place that feeds my soul, and if I’m honest, my soul has been sorely in need of feeding.

Sirens is a place where we get to explore the world of speculative fiction (sci-fi, horror, fantasy, etc) through the lens of voices that are not considered “traditional” in that space. By which, I mean: women, BIPOC, LGBTQ+, etc. (Reminder that this year’s anthology, “Villains and Vengeance” is available now!)

It’s part reader’s conference, part writer’s retreat and part networking weekend. This will be my third time at Sirens.

Of course my COVID anxiety is only just part of my anxiety, because there is also the uncertainty of travel, particularly since I am flying Southwest, and my agoraphobia, which has only gotten worse since the start of COVID. I have the advantage of a) flying an airline I know well, out of airports I know well; b) the con hotel is also familiar; c) FRIENDS.

I think having friends who know/understand my *stuff* is my biggest coping mechanism. It provides a safe space when there is no safe space. I anticipate a need for a lot of hermiting time when I get back.

For now, though, Readers, I have a few hours before I have to start the day job and my coffee is fresh and hot. I think that means it’s time to write. Happy Friday!

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be the good

As I’ve been job hunting these last few weeks, I’ve made a point to look into companies that are doing the kind of work that benefits humanity. Being a tech writer with the ability to explore many different kinds of tech is a wonderful way to learn about new and innovative ways that people are trying to help, from climate change to using drones to deliver life saving medical supplies in times of need.

Sure, it is more likely I’ll end up at a more mundane sort of company that deals with data of some kind or advertising/product tech or the like because that is where my experience is, but exploring other options has been interesting.

Particularly in the world we occupy today. The news is filled with sad and angry situations, fueling the feelings of hopelessness and loneliness in many people. It can be hard to see that there are people out there working for the greater good of all.

I’ve always believed that to change the world we must change ourselves and how we interact with the world, and I still do, however sometimes we need something bigger than what we can do on our own. We need innovations that help us become better, not on an individual level, but as a society.

There is a lot of scary stuff happening in the world, but don’t let it bog you down in despair. Find the good and support it if you can. Be the good if you can’t find it.

The picture is from my recent trip to Austin. It reminds me of the beauty that exists, even in the heart of a bustling city, in a place bogged down by disease. Find that beauty today and hold on to it.

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travel in the time of covid

On Thursday, I got on a plane for the first time in almost 2 years. I flew from Oakland to Austin on Southwest. To accomplish this, I had to walk a half mile to the BART station, take two BART trains to get to the airport, check in, get through security, get on a plane, land in Austin, retrieve my checked luggage, get in a Lyft to the airport, and check in at the hotel, all while wearing my mask.

It may have been the longest period of continual mask wearing for me since this whole thing began. On the plane itself I was double masked.

I had no trouble breathing or getting enough oxygen. I did sweat a fair amount under my mask, especially when getting out into the muggy Austin air.

I saw no one behaving badly, though there were often people who needed to be reminded to cover their nose. No fights, no temper tantrums, no screams of FREEDOM!

I knew that everyone I planned to spend un-masked time with was vaccinated, and whenever in more company than theirs, I masked up. Was it weird and inconvenient? Yes, it was, but you know what else would have been weird and inconvenient? Getting sick, or getting someone else sick.

We still had a great time. We got to cruise the river with dinner and music. We went axe throwing and took a tour of a brewery (the cooler is always the best part, because Austin is hot and muggy).

I even ate inside a restaurant. For the first time since this whole thing started.

I reveled in being with friends I haven’t seen in two years. I hugged people. I relaxed. I did my best not to worry, despite the fact that the day I landed, Austin moved into Stage 5, and I was in a state that would NOT issue a mask mandate. Everywhere we went, business had signs up asking folks to wear masks if not vaccinated and I’d estimate that about half of the people I saw didn’t mask up at all.

I got home last night and my current plan is to quarantine myself for 14 days, as well as to go get a Covid test this week because as careful as we were, this delta variant is a sneaky bastard, and I want to make sure I’m not passing it around my neighborhood.

Hope y’all are safe and healthy, Readers! Now I have to get back to the job search.

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sunshine and kindness

August is something of a transition month for me. When I lived in Upstate New York as a kid, it had this impending feeling of autumn, but with the heat and free spirit of summer. Corn of the cob and macaroni salads filled picnic tables, kids splashed about in Lake Ontario, and trees were just starting to show the kiss of color that autumn would bring.

Thoughts would turn to shopping for school clothes, the smell of leaves and fires, the anticipation for hay rides and haunted houses.

Of course, now that my life no longer rotates around the school calendar, August is the start of a string of birthdays/holidays that begins with my brother’s oldest child’s (who is no longer a child) birthday, mine, my mother’s, Halloween, Thanksgiving, my brother’s birthday, Christmas, New Year’s and then my brother’s youngest child’s birthday (she is no longer a child either).

Add in there a trip to Austin early in August most years for a birthday celebration of another kind, plus various conferences and vacations, and most years August is the start of time accelerating to race through it all.

I leave for Austin on Thursday (vaccinated and masked), but until then, I’m trying to hold back on the gallop and keep this thing slowed down a bit while I can. I’m writing a lot, and editing the Sirens Benefit Anthology, and even working at designing a cover for it.

Right now, I’m savoring my Death Wish Coffee and contemplating thinky things. I plan on filming some poetry videos while I’m in Austin, so stay tuned for that to happen.

And now, Readers, I’m off into my Sunday. May yours be filled with sunshine and kindness.

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bring on the hugs

If you have been reading my blog for any amount of time, you’ll know that I’m an agoraphobe. I was even BEFORE this pandemic. I’m most comfortable and happy within my own home, and in spaces that I am intimately familiar with (family homes, friends places, etc). In particular, I need to control the number of people in any given space.

This makes this whole idea of re-entering “normal” rather problematic for me. This year and a half being encouraged to stay home to stay safe has escalated certain anxieties for me. The rise of this Delta variant isn’t helping.

In a week, I’m getting on a plane for the first time in close to two years and I’m flying to Austin, Texas to spend time with some friends.

There’s a lot to be excited about. There’s also a lot to be worried about.

I know the people I’ll be with are vaccinated. I know a good chunk of our time we will be in well ventilated or open areas. But there’s the BART to the airport, the airport, the plane, the other airport, transportation to the hotel, the hotel…etc…

I’m trying to balance that against getting to see friends, getting to meet up with coworkers and live music for the first time in a lifetime.

I have Xanax on hand. I have presents to deliver. And I can not wait for the music.

And hugs. I can’t believe how much I miss hugs.

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injecting a little hope

This morning at 8:30 I will be getting a little shot in the arm. It will be my first dose of the covid vaccine. I’ll be honest, if I let myself, I have a little hope blooming inside me that I might actually be able to travel this year.

My current plans are still out a ways, in August and October, which is part of why I’m starting to believe they might actually happen. If we keep vaccinating at our current pace, we might be at a point where I feel safe enough to travel by the August date.

That trip is a small group of people, which makes it feel even safer, especially if I know everyone has gotten their vaccines. Likewise, my plans in early October involve a very small group, a house near a beach and a lot of quiet.

But later in October is Sirens. I had a lot of concerns when I first went to Sirens, and I was surprised how quickly those folks became important people in my life. I’m starting to let myself hope that we will make it this year, and I am so looking forward to hugging some folks.

When this agoraphobic introvert who isn’t big on being touched wants hugs, you know it’s been a while since hugging was a thing we could do.

Happy Thursday, Readers. Keep your masks on and get your vaccine when you can.

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