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there’s no place like home

As an agoraphobe and an introvert, my home is my safe space. These past two years, I have not suffered with loneliness or gone stir crazy from being at home. I have a job I can do from my home. My outings have been a once-a-week trip to the grocery store and once vaccinations came around, the occasional trip to see family.

However, what I have missed is travel.

It might seem paradoxical that an introverted agoraphobe loves to travel, but I do. Road trips with friends to see live music. Long vacations in places I’ve never been. Leisurely sunsets on sandy beaches, watching the sun rise as I sip my coffee in the woods, or on a lake.

My travel has been minimal. I went to Austin in August of this year, and that’s about it. And, with the area in the red zone for COVID that trip had its anxiety.

And to be fair, I wouldn’t be comfortable in a crowded bar or theater for music, nor sitting in a plane for 10 hours to go overseas. A cabin in the woods might be nice. Maybe I’ll look into a cabin in Tahoe in the new year. I can make it a writing vacation…take a week off work, nestle in to a cozy cabin and write.

But first, I’m on the hunt for a new home to make my safe space. This one is starting to feel unwelcoming, for a number of reasons. Later today I’m looking at a place not far from where my family lives in Stockton, CA. If it works out, I’ll be moving in January. I kind of like the idea of starting something new at the start of the year.

It just feels right.

What are your hopes for the coming new year, Readers?

Photo by Eva Darron on Unsplash

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finding gratitude and joy

We come to the time of year when we celebrate yet another problematic American holiday.

Growing up, we’re taught a very sanitized version of the history of the country we call home. We’re taught about the first Thanksgiving in a way that perpetuates the myth of how the white people who are my ancestors were helped by the “friendly” Native Americans as if it was all peaceful and they weren’t taking land that wasn’t theirs to take.

Needless to say, I have mixed feelings about the origins of the holiday, so I tend to focus on it being a day to spend with family and be thankful for the year…well, in normal years anyway.

In the last two years, it might seem hard to be thankful. With so much illness and death, the loss of jobs and livelihoods, the isolation of quarantine and lockdown. So much sorrow to dwell in.

I guess that’s the challenge this week; find all the good, the reasons for joy. Let’s celebrate those things in this week of gratitude. I can’t quite bring myself to celebrate the notion that I’m still here, not when over a quarter of a million of our population has died, but certainly, there are other things I can celebrate.

  1. I found a job that pays me well and suits my talents.
  2. I have begun shopping around my next novel, and the two sequels are in very good shape.
  3. I have approval to work remotely permanently. Pajama pants and hoodies all day every day.
  4. My family is, by and large, healthy.
  5. I am good at what I do and I love what I do.
  6. I have a stack of books to read, and time to read them.
  7. I have some of the most amazing friends in the world…all over the world.
  8. I have a gift for recognizing toxic people very quickly and have learned to disengage.
  9. Coffee. Forever and always.
  10. Fandom that isn’t toxic. I’ve largely withdrawn from most fandom arenas, but there is joy to be found in a fandom about that thing you love. Find it.

I hope this week brings you kindness and joy, gratitude and happiness. You are loved, Reader. Spread that around.

Photo by Rosie Kerr on Unsplash

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it’s about time

Is there anything more annoying than all of this daylight savings time nonsense? I mean what purpose does it serve in a modern world? Granted, most of our devices that we use to tell time update automatically these days, and the ones that don’t are easy enough to change, but that’s not the point.

Sure, getting an extra hour on a Sunday in the fall to lay in bed and cuddle kitties isn’t all bad. But then your internal body clock needs to reset too or you’ll be out of sync with your schedule. There’s the hassle of remembering the time differences that change because your loved one lives in Arizona where they don’t change their clocks in some weird effort to create more daytime.

Then come spring we “lose” that hour, causing more confusion, not to mention health problems and car accidents as we rise like zombies for the first few days, our body clocks telling us we should be sleeping, not driving in rush hour traffic.

The time has come to end this ridiculousness. It may have had its place when it was created when most people worked farms and such, but in the world we live in now it causes more harm than good, in my opinion.

We need to do away with it altogether. Let’s stop thinking we can control the daylight and just let time carry on.

Thus ends my rant for today. I need some coffee and I have editing to do! Happy Sunday, Readers, approach it with kindness.

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national coming out day

Today is October eleventh and has been designated National Coming Out Day, a day to celebrate the diversity of life and the idea that we are all welcome in the world.

Of course, there are still many, many places in the world, and even here in the good ole USofA, where being open about who and how you love is not a safe thing to do. Far too many.

I have a lot of friends in the LGBTQ+ community who have been bullied, thrown out of their homes, lost their children in custody battles, or worse. We need only look at the numbers of transgender murder victims to know that it isn’t always safe.

I have been noticing just recently how many of the TV shows I watch have incorporated LGBTQ+ characters as “normal” characters. They’re not there to be the victim or the perpetrator, they are actual integral parts of the story. Notable for me of late are Leverage Redemption, who has a young lesbian of color and also has several story lines with gay people involved, Law and Order SVU, who had a young detective who was a lesbian and Law and Order Organized Crime, which has a police sergeant who is a married lesbian.

This is our way forward. We need to be seen as a part of the whole. We need to be visible in ways that extend beyond pride parades.

One day, I hope we no longer need a National Coming Out Day. I hope that we can just be who we are without needing to justify ourselves or protect ourselves from those that would deny us our rights.

In the meantime, I’m Natalie and I am bi/pansexual (I haven’t decided between the terms, but lean toward pan).

And you are loved.

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grief and despair

Anniversaries can be hard. A twentieth anniversary after nearly two years of worldwide sorrow and loss is going to be hard.

Some of us can not look away from the images and footage. Some of us can’t bear to see it again. Some of us fall somewhere in the middle of that.

Please be kind to yourself and others today, Readers. We are all hurting. We are all grieving the loss of so many in these last two years. Today, as we remember lives lost twenty years ago, remember that it is okay for you to withdraw, protect yourself. Find time to grieve.

But, find time to laugh too. Find time to smile and be with loved ones (as safely as you can). Reach out, talk with people who love you. Don’t let despair take root inside you.

I published a poem on Ko-Fi this morning.

grief is a dragon

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be the good

As I’ve been job hunting these last few weeks, I’ve made a point to look into companies that are doing the kind of work that benefits humanity. Being a tech writer with the ability to explore many different kinds of tech is a wonderful way to learn about new and innovative ways that people are trying to help, from climate change to using drones to deliver life saving medical supplies in times of need.

Sure, it is more likely I’ll end up at a more mundane sort of company that deals with data of some kind or advertising/product tech or the like because that is where my experience is, but exploring other options has been interesting.

Particularly in the world we occupy today. The news is filled with sad and angry situations, fueling the feelings of hopelessness and loneliness in many people. It can be hard to see that there are people out there working for the greater good of all.

I’ve always believed that to change the world we must change ourselves and how we interact with the world, and I still do, however sometimes we need something bigger than what we can do on our own. We need innovations that help us become better, not on an individual level, but as a society.

There is a lot of scary stuff happening in the world, but don’t let it bog you down in despair. Find the good and support it if you can. Be the good if you can’t find it.

The picture is from my recent trip to Austin. It reminds me of the beauty that exists, even in the heart of a bustling city, in a place bogged down by disease. Find that beauty today and hold on to it.

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friday the 13th

I know I’m in a minority when I say that I love the number thirteen and even more so when it falls on a Friday. We might say it stems from the fact that I was born on a Friday the 13th. It was September, 1968. My parents were in Florida while my father was stationed in Jacksonville. My mother said that a nurse told her it was Friday the 13th as they took her from labor into delivery.

Should have known then I was going to be a weird one!

Some of my favorite birthdays have fallen on a Friday too. Or, at least, I remember them that way. Memories are strange things, you know? I remember a slumber party where we got to sleep in the camper, a scavenger hunt and even an intimate evening with just one friend where we talked about life all night long.

Thirteen has always been one of my “lucky” numbers…not that it’s ever won me the lottery or anything, it is just always one I gravitate toward.

So, even though this isn’t my birthday on a Friday, I think I’ll celebrate anyway. I hope your Friday the 13th is one to be remembered for all the good reasons. Have that extra cup of coffee, or that piece of cake. Play with the kids. Dance. Make some amazing memories that you can hang on that tired old superstition.

Let’s have fun, Readers!

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I get by with a little help from you

This week, I once again found myself without a day job. The company I was with laid me off on Monday, so I am back on the job search. I’ve come to really not like looking for a job. I’m good at what I do, and I have always let the work speak for me. I don’t like having to swagger.

I’m in a bad spot financially, but I have been here before, and I know I will survive. And, I have a mini sort of vacation this weekend, and already have an interview lined up for next week.

I’m going to take today off of the active hunt, but I will answer calls if they come, and do some writing instead. What good is time without work if I don’t utilize it?

If you would like to help support an out-of-work writer, there are multiple ways to do that. I still have copies of my books “Forever” and “Tonight” available for purchase, $10 for Forever, $7 for Tonight, $15 for both if bought together. You can use my contact page, or hit me up directly on Venmo, Paypal or Ko-Fi. Links below.

Venmo

Paypal

Ko-Fi

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reflections on what it means to be American

In 1776, on the fourth of July, the Continental Congress unanimously adopted the Declaration of Independence, kicking off the great American experiment in governing ourselves. It was the first step in throwing off the perceived chains of Britain’s hold on us, the beginning of our attempt at a government formed by the people.

July fourth became a national holiday in 1870, but it wasn’t a paid federal holiday until the 1940s. Over the years, the holiday has been observed in a number of ways, traditionally including flag-waving, fireworks and family BBQs. Nothing says freedom like hot dogs and hamburgers on the grill, I suppose.

The first real memory I have of understanding what the flag stood for, or the fervor of patriotism that it seems to inspire these days was in 1976, the second centennial of our stand for independence. Before then we recited the pledge everyday at school…but it was just so many meaningless words to this not-quite-eight-year old.

I wasn’t instilled with patriotic passion as a child. The concept of “the nation” and my place in it wasn’t something that my little brain gave much energy to.

As I grew, I did develop a love for the country I called home, and the older I get, the more radically I love, and want to improve, America. I’m not a flag-waving-ammo-sexual-patriot. I don’t actually even own a flag. I’m not likely to attend any fireworks displays (especially now when we are so dry and the state is burning), or play patriotic music.

I guess you could say I would rather live my patriotism than show it off. How do I do that? With my vote. With my vocal support of equality, equity and the desire to live the ideals of freedom, rather than the letter of the law. With my dollars that I spend or donate to support causes that are fighting for that ideal of freedom.

For me, the greatest thing about this country is the way we have progressed, and how we have allowed our understanding of what the founding fathers intended to grow with us, even though we still have a very long way to go.

Sometimes that progress needs to be dragged out of our past with a team of Clydesdales, and as recent years have showed us there is always a danger for our footing to flounder and the weight of our history to drag us backwards.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.–That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, –That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.”

Maybe they didn’t mean all men, and maybe they didn’t include women, but here we are, grown from that to, at least in theory, include all men and all women. Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. Think on that was you wave your flag and grill your brats. Consider what that means to not only you, but those who are not like you. Consider what it will mean to your children, or the generations to follow.

In the grand scheme of the world, we are a young country, and we have a lot of growing up to do, we have high standards to hold ourselves to, and we have an ideal of freedom for all that we must embrace in our hearts.

I hope this holiday weekend finds you well, Readers, and that your days bring kindness.

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do we still need pride in 2021

In any “normal” year, I would already be hard at work on the site of the SF Pride celebration, working with my team to deploy donation buckets out to the groups that man our gates to collect money from Pride goers.

That money goes into helping to keep Pride running, as well as giving grants to the non-profit organizations who send us their volunteers to do the job. It’s a job I’ve been doing in one capacity or another for the last…I don’t know anymore? Fifteen years?

You might think that it’s an odd job choice for someone with agoraphobia, and you’d be correct. It is. However, I learned early on in my battle against the irrational fear that having a job to do, having people who count on me to do that job, goes a long way in pushing the fear back.

When I first started working Pride with the Pagan Alliance all those years ago, I started off volunteering to supervise PA volunteers, but the Pride Donations department was just starting up a program to have coordinators who worked behind the scenes and I tossed my hat into the ring. Since then, I’ve been part of the team that did the work.

It provides me with a safe space when the crowds are overwhelming, and a task that needs doing to allow me the push I need to conquer the fear…or at least keep it at bay. It helps that it also includes a golf cart for part of the day, which affords me a little bubble of space around me.

All of that said, this is our second year without the event due to this damn pandemic. It just isn’t safe to cram that many people into that space, even now…even here in California where our numbers are way down.

I’ve heard a lot lately about why we still need Pride. We need Pride so that our community knows that we have their back. We need Pride because our transgender siblings are still being murdered at an alarming rate. We need Pride because our people are still facing discrimination in jobs, housing and even just in shopping. We need Pride because we need to lift each other up and help each other along.

In recent years we’ve started to realize just how many LGBTQA+ folks exist in this world, and it’s a lot more than we used to believe. I have a large number of non-binary and ace friends and family that ten years ago would not have felt safe to be who they are in the open…or even realized that there was a name for what they were feeling. I have transgender friends and family that have “come out” in the last five years, who are finally starting to feel that there is a place in this world where they don’t have to pretend.

So when will it be enough to not need a big gay celebration and parade? Never. It will never be “enough”. We should always celebrate who we are.

May this Pride weekend be filled with love and appreciation for who you are, Reader. May you feel safe to live your truth out and proud. May you make space for others to do the same. I love you all!

Photo by Steve Johnson on Unsplash